Friday, January 17, 2014

Worrisome Blanket

Its 4:32 in the morning. I know this not from my one eye glanced at my cell phone plugged in next to me on my side table. I know this from the light emanating  from the moonlight behind the brown curtains hanging in my bedroom window. I also could tell you what 1:56, 2:32, 3:47 looks like too. These are the times my body wakes up covered in a blanket of worry, and  griped in fear. 
  For 15 years of our married life Frank had a job with amazing benefits. We had life insurance. Our medical insurance gave me a sense of security, for the days we fall ill.  We had retirement funds, we had enough, even if it never felt enough.  My worries were entirely different.  For 6 months I have been waking up this way. Engulfed with worries. What if one of us gets sick, I mean really sick? What if I die in an accident or he.  The expenses of a funeral would not be covered by anyone.   

I know what you will say. I know because I have told myself all those same phrases. "It will all turn out.'' "soon, soon things will change." "God will provide you just need not worry."  I wake up with sweat on my forehead and I do what I know what to do. I pray. I pray for peace, for my thoughts to be captivated by His peace.   There is a sense of ease that comes when I do so, but not entirely.  The worries come back like a thief in the night. My eyes  with a blank stare at the ceiling keeping my eyes glazed on the ceiling fan. Maybe that will will me lull me back to sleep.  I pray, I pray harder.   
  We have been more than fine for these past 6 months. It has really felt like we have not lacked in food, or money to pay bills.  This is soon to change. Savings have dwindled mightily. 
 In my worrisome storm, I think about how he must be feeling. As a man this must be so difficult to navigate. The worries of his family weighs heavy on him. I know this.  I watch him, there are days he feels the poundage of the uncertainty. I don't see this in tears but I can tell in body language, his shoulders hang lower than usual, the crease of wrinkle between his eye becomes deepened.   Then there are days, that his faith makes his shoulders rise up, his face looks softer, his smile comes easy.  I watch with encouragement and  I make it through another day without breaking down, but that would be so easy, so fitting, so rational. 

  On this side of the fence it looks bleak, hope is dwindling and I am trying harder and harder to stay positive. To trust and to find peace. Its on the horizon It must be.  
  We find ourselves in a place of trust we have never been seasoned in.  Its easy to say you Trust God with money in savings, its easy to say you know he is Healer when you have health Insurance. Its easy to say He provides when you get paid every other week.   When those securities are gone.   This is when the litmus test of your trust comes in.     I am not impressed with my skills thus far. 

  So be praying my friends. Praying for rain for our family. Praying that we experience the abundance soon.   Praying for answers to come in the form of security for our family.  Praying that I can be the wife my husband needs in this 
season of "on hold." That my faith is streghted even if prayers and not answered in the way I thought.     Thanks you guys. 
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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!