Wednesday, January 23, 2013

2 years 7 months 3 days


    948 days. I am not a genius, I used a calculator duration doodad to let me know how long it has been since the new ones made a debut to our tribe.   For 948 days I have learned many things about myself. Many things I thought I knew about me and was wrong, many ways I thought I was strong at and found out I was a wimp, many things I failed at, many things I had small victories to. Many things I learned about my husband about his Grace, about His manhood, about His fathers heart.  Many things I learned about a Saviors love. Vast, more vast than the ocean. 

I John 3:16  By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.
 I learned that this verse about laying our lives down for one another  has another meaning. Giving love to someone and not getting back right away is ...ah... wearisome. Laying your life down for someone even when that person never asked you to, when that person resented that you did, when that person may never ever say thank you. 
     I have a tiny glimpse a minuscule taste of how our Father must feel when we stomp in his face, when we tell Him we can do without Him, when we choose our own way. Yet there He is, arms wide open ,waiting for the day we choose to connect waiting for the day we call him not only Dad but MY DAD. Mine. 
    I am not comparing my self to the brilliance that God is. I fail every time I open my eyes each morning. There were so many more deserving people for this journey.  He choose Frank and I. 
   People told us we could't people told us we shouldn't . We began to feel way over our heads from the beginning.  Every time I began to say "I can't" a small whisper "I know, but I can."    
    We are not 100% healed. She has come a big way. She calls me "my mom" and means it. We have a girl that has been tremendously hurt.  Her wounds are deep, they have burrowed into her identity.  So, I have to remember loving this girl would be the most important job I was ever given.  So much so I have to remind my self everyday what love is... 
                             Love is patient it is kind. 
    This means I have to be a punching bag sometimes. I have to be kind about it. Most times I am not.
                            Does not envy or boast 
 Its strange but for a long time, I wanted to boast in my value. She would not treat me this way if she knew I had value right? um yes and no it didn't matter.  I can not boast in this kind of love. Also the relationships I see in other mother/daughter relationship has been a source of envy for me.  It can not be so. 
                              It is not arrogant or rude
  sigh
                           It does not insist on its own way
If I had it my own way, wounds would be healed, and the ideal of what our family should look  like would be...but from the first verse love is patient!
                             It is not irritable or resentful
 double sigh, irritation is my BF. 
  
It does not rejoice in wrong doing but rejoices in the truth 
   Truth is I have a child that things have happened to her, that struggles with knowing her worth. That has so much hurt it comes out in behavior. That wants to be loved and accepted and wanted. That is trying to trust that is trying to love.   
                                  Love bears all things
Even when it takes every single energy from you. It bears it. 
                                  
                                  believes all things
  Even when some days hope is turned into grieving. Believe that this will be better tomorrow. 
                                Hopes all things 
                                        always.
                             endures all things
Yes even when its hard to get a return. Yes even when I cringe every time I see the school calling. Even with the eye roll and the ignoring and the snippy remarks and the harsh comments about my appearance.  

  I am not a saint, it gets at me when people say this to us. We are so flawed. 948 days later, I am better for it. 

  

3 comments:

Ebony Buckner said...

Love does not fail. You are not a saint but a saint did call you to this incredible journey! You ARE awesome because you are doing your best and that is all we can all do. And in the end, YOUR LOVE will cover and carry her and your family through this crazy life. So encouraged by you and your awesome tribe!

Ebony Buckner said...

Love does not fail. You are not a saint but a saint did call you to this incredible journey! You ARE awesome because you are doing your best and that is all we can all do. And in the end, YOUR LOVE will cover and carry her and your family through this crazy life. So encouraged by you and your awesome tribe!

Jodi said...

Love ya Nat - you are so real and that makes me feel so much better. Love reading your reallness and all the mistakes that go with it. I'm right there with ya!

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!