Friday, August 31, 2012

some days it stinks.

(these days end on the bed with a "chat")
Kids from trauma most often have triggers. A big trigger for us is when there is a change. Dad is back home, my attention is split. change. We moved crossed country and left some very important adults in my daughters life. She was very close to my aunts and my mom and my sister. Very close. We are now facing another change school season coming. 
    I do not know if its in the air with any of you, but we are getting the fare share. 
    Its very difficult, its very draining, I most often fail at the things I should say. The patience I should have, the grace needed. Its very upsetting when there is no fast and quick answer.  
          I want to take it all away, I want to hurry up and get better. 
No such thing, its a journey,  there is hope, someday's its harder to see it. Such as this day. 
  
G....
I need you to know that I love you, you are spunky and cool, and your always smiling and singing and dancing. You are joyful to have around and you laugh is contagious. 
   I wish you didn't have to loose someone to get here, I wish you didn't have to deal with the heartache.. I wish I could take your pain for you.  I believe in Hope for you. For us. 
   Your mama
  

A-man -football

Your dad and I attend practice for you three times a week. We LOVE to watch you play. 


 We sit on the side lines like this, we watching the plays. We yell "Go defense come on come on A!"   
 Your dad does this sometimes...(all the time) to show you how is its done.   Its hilarious. 
       Your a gentle giant says the coach. You need to get more "aggressive" We know we have said gentle to you more than 7,989,621, times but while you are out there....got get em tiger!
     

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

epiphany and Letters to my tribe


I struggle with a few things. Okay many things but one thing I can confess is peoples approval. I want everyone to like me and if I think you don't it bothers me to no end. But this is an impossible task..no?   I had an epiphany if you will.
    There should only be two rleationships I seek approval for or that I need to "do well by". God my Father and my family. The ones that I feed every day.
    Do I do well by them, do THEY like me? Then I thought about this blog. I began this Blog 5 years ago.  I am going to do something new. ... I am going to begin writing to my kids.  It may bore you and you do not even have to read on,
                                     So you will see a different format from time to time.






My tribe: Today we went Blueberry picking. I unplugged the TV and some of you were not happy because we were not meeting friends or taking friends with us. And some of you had very bad attitudes because I was ''forcing" you to spend time not at home. The place where you love to be, because there are instant buddies right outside your doorstep. Alas we made it to the farm unscathed.

 Gathered our favorite buckets and began to hunt. Big -A your idea was that we break into teams and  hide and be as quiet as we can and pick as fast as we can. Best genius plan all summer.


  You and I teamed together. J-Man and EQ were another. Little Roo and GG were another. (except for some reason I did not take one photo of them...bad mom...bad)   We picked out hearts content and all I could think of was I didn't want summer to end.  J-man , I looked over at you and kept thinking how sweet it was that you were here, having fun, picking berries with your family, wondering what kind of recipes  we could make with it when we go home. 


. Then you all found each other and began teasing and being loud and well obnoxious and well that feeling ended.                      Exhibit A: Obnoxious stuff going on below


I was glad for fall being around the corner and yet grateful for a time where we could enjoy the bounty of the  land. .

      The condition of our feet always depends on the length we stay and well we were there pretty long.
     A-man I do not even know if you feet can turn back to original skin color any longer. This is what your feet look like all summer long.
It was worth it 7lbs of berries.  2 hours of hard work....even though a few of you ate more than you picked.



    G.G You are always a help to me in the kitchen and so it was no surprise that you wanted to help rinse them. 
                                                                                                         You sure are a treasure.



Little Roo I attended a Kindergarten curriculum night this evening. Saw where you would sit, listened to the school rules and it hit me. You are a big girl.  I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. You are my sweetest little love.  I am so glad its half day kindergarten because I get you for a whole morning this year....just you.

               We laughed today, we cried, and we also had some frustrating words.  Put tonight everyone is tucked in as I write this and this is a miracle for the day. To have everyone under one roof and healthy.
     Love you my babies more than you could ever feel or imagine.
Mom

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The folks

For our first 13years of marriage I had lived away from my family for wayyyy to long. When we arrived in Georgia almost two years ago the best thing happened. I had my family. It was what I always wanted. My parents were close to exactly what I thought they would be. I would see them daily. If there was a day or two in between visits there was something bizarre with that. I LOVED it. When chief and I searched deep (there was not much searching) to find out Georgia was not really our home. It was the most difficult decisions we have ever had to made. Live where we don't feel at "home" and wait for the feeling ...or...move and miss the heck out of my family...again.
    I knew I would ache for them. My parents are fun and energetic and patient and if you meet my dad you would agree how jolly he is.  They are always up for an adventure. They love deep and mighty. I could drop my little's over without looking at the clock to rush back. My mom would whip up dinner and ask us to stay. 
     
    Sometimes...well lately. I just want my mommy and daddy even as a 33 year old adult.  I just want someone to take care of me...instead of me taking care for everyone else.  
             Miss and love you mammi and Papi.                              
 Little Nat...

Monday, August 27, 2012

I mean c'mom !

The cute factor here, is outrageous. Maybe its just me being a mom...but seriously. Love this boy. Today he is driving me bonkers so I need to have a reminder of the handsome man he will one day be.   For the meanwhile...breath.

This Lately

Big Chief survived his first week of work.  BONUS: 1st time in 14 years he will now have Saturdays off. This is HUGE people. This means I will have him on Saturday mornings. BONUS: He has number 2 seniority in the whole building. Meaning he had second pick of a schedule. So he choose a three day weekend...why not?
 BONUS: He LOVES his job. LOVES it. I am so thrilled for this new chapter for him/us!


Been doing this lately...you too? Making school lists, crossing things off the list, returning things I bought too much on the list, and over and over.                                 Can.not.wait.kinda.
  
                Hand the kids first Jamboree this weekend. Do you see Big A he is number 76. We love everything about Football/Cheer. What being apart of a team like this is doing for our kids and the community. awesome.


 I mean are you for reals? Cutie P-atotie. 





Give me a V drop the I with C T O R Y, VICTORY (clap clap) is what we need! 




  Let me give you a small back story of this photo....She used her REAL name.  the end.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The 21st


We remembered Hudson this week. We lets balloons in the air. Knowing full well that it was harming the environment and all this, but a fish would take one for the team. sorry fish. Its so healthy for our kids to be apart of the memory, even the ones that came after the fact.  It keeps him alive for me in a way and it does help with grieve. It does come in stages.

  This day I was grateful for a friend who texted me "Come for tea, we will lock the kids out if we have to!" I accepted and we actually locked the kids out. Hello 10 kids who kept having to come in to pee or eat or ... It was a great distraction. Thanks Sara.

 
       

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

6 years ago today

Six years ago today. I can still smell the sterile hospital room. It was a day we remember for our entire life. 

  If you are tuning in for the very first time, this little one is our son. 
                                      Hudson Sawyer

 Lived among us for three months until this day six years ago he took his last breath in my arms.  Hudson was born with major defects of his heart you may read about him here .

  Six years ago and I am still surprised that around this time of the year  I am still aching most times I do not even make the connection of why my heart hurts this much around this time. You find my crying a lot around this time, you find me trying to 1.make myself so busy 2. wanting to be alone.  Then I remember this day.

 No one prepares you for the moment where you watch as the life goes from a person. Especially when that little person is yours.  

  I am not sure if I have ever written about that day and the specifics. If you want to come along read. on.  Warning you may cry once or twice.


   The Beginning of August 2006 we were preparing to bring Hudson home. We had nurses to interview, machines on order. I had even taken classes from Nurses on how to handle emergency situations. Hudson would be on 24 hour watch. He was coming home but it was not for hospice. This would be our lives. Everywhere we went we would have an oxygen tank with us. I believe we had even spoken about getting a new van to handle the machinery we would travel with when he came with us.  We could not be more excited for the task. I mean really this little boy would have put you over the edge with cuteness.  Chief and I could not be more excited to begin the jouney. We knew it would be hard, but   we would have our boy! In perepation to have our son, he needed one last surgery that would insert a GJ tube. 
                          Its so we can feed him. (See above) It gets inserted into the stomach. Easy peasy they do this as a routine surgery. Hudson has had so many surgeries this one was cake. So we even left a few hours after the surgery back home to enjoy a weekend with the little boys who needed back to home instead of running up and down the isle of the Seattle Children's Hospital.  
     One day later we were called in the late night "Mr. and Mrs. Teabo this is Dr. ____( I do not even remember that detail her voice was so serious my heart was already in my throat. ) Hudson is very very sick. We did and X-Ray and it seems that the GJ tube has punctured a whole in his in his stomach and the milk we have been feeding him has filled his body instead of draining...we are doing our best!" and then these words that dropped like rocks to an already hurting heart.  "He may not make it, you need to come now!"  We called Grandma to come see the boys. I remember being in my closet looking for my clothes, I could not fathom thoughts. We had our lives split. Many of our belongings were home and a good amount was at the Ronald McDonald House one hour away ,across from the Children's Hosptial. I was shaking, I fell to my knees and pounded the floor in my closet. At one point I remember Yelling "Don't take him. don't please. I promise whatever you want, don't take my baby boy!''   
  Chief came in lifted me up and we greeted Grandma in the driveway. We exchanged glances I could tell she was sobbing on her way over. I remember wishing our Van can fly.  We got the the hospital that evening the fastest we have ever gotten there. 
    We entered our son's room and there were many people in there. I ran to him his stomach was engorged and he was pasty white. 
    A Doctor came over to Chief and explained what they were doing. I watched as the brought what looked like an exacto knife cut his stomach right before my eyes, insert a tube and began to drain. Breast milk.  I had been pumping for our boy, and fought to have this as his major source.    They were preforming surgery right there with parents sitting and watching. It was surreal. BUT they were trying to save his life.  They emptied the liquid and got him stable. 
    We spent the night just on alert waiting to see what his out come would be in the morning.  He was stable. We were thinking we may have turned a corner. We had the brothers come up with us.  We visited and were so thrilled that he was out of the danger. We thought.    
   The very next morning his vitals were very alarming we were called into the room again. At this time our boys are asleep across the hospital and we called Aunty Amy to come be with them. She waited for them to wake up and took them with her to her house in Olympia as we waited to see what would happen.   It got worse.  They think this is it. I remember thinking 'yes, they thought this was it so many times. They thought he should not even have survived child birth, they thought he should have never been born!"   Our son was fading.  It was a sunny Seattle mid morning , I remember the tress from outside the window swaying there was a breeze outside. The Doctors surround us and said "Mom and dad this is it, it really is, he is fading fast" We removed him from all the tubes he had connected to him for his entire life.  I held him, the room got still, they gave us space. I wept over our son. My tears were hot.   Chief stroked his little head and tears flowed heavily from him too. 
    We looked at each other and then something I have never experienced in my entire life. There was this peace that come over my body this love, this inexplicable feeling of ease. As if everything was lifted from me I felt nothing but bliss over me with a warmth I felt loved and I felt secure and .  I wanted to stay in that feeling forever. I looked down at Huds and knew he was gone. The Doctor came over with her stethoscope placed it on his chest lifted it and placed it in another spot. She looked up at me and said "I am so sorry."

      At that moment I knew that feeling that I got Was Christ himself, I have not one doubt that he physically came into that room and scooped up our boy. That we wanted  to give me a small glimpse of the feeling Hudson would have for all eternity. The feeling I would one day get to have too.  I have never felt that again since. 
        Our pastor Jim happened to be in this hospital at the same moment with his son on a routine appointment. He came into our room and I told him it was too late. He held us. They took Hudson's body to patch him up and then brought him in the room to be cleaned. We told Pastor Jim he didn't have to be here. Who would want to see a dead baby?  He stayed he wanted to clean him up with us. We dressed him. I looked down and Huds. and I said "Finally perfect!' He was free of all the tubes and all the pain that laid ahead of him.  Free. Still to this day I wont forget Pastor Jim laying aside his comfort and being in this room with us, full of grief and pain. I mean seriously.
   They gave us the option to take his body outside. He had never seen the sun or even felt the warmth.  Chief and I walked outside in to a private balcony. Many many parents walked this balcony with their lost babies too. We wept. 
    It all happened so fast. It was time. Time to walk our son into the morgue  We got into an elevator and two nurses stood in front of us. I think they were protecting anyone from asking us questions. When we passed people in the halls a few smiled one person said "Cute" I knew they thought our baby was still alive. It killed me. 
    We were there. The long hallway got colder the closer we got. There was a woman with a coat waiting us.  She had what I know call the 'Sympathy smile" closed lips and halfway. This is the last time we got to hold our son.  I gave him to this woman . I wanted to say keep him covered its cold in there. Keep his hat on. That may have made me look crazy. I was thinking it. 
    We went back to his room, we didn't even exchange words. It was horrible. I had to throw away all 20, I counted, 20 bags of breast milk. No, they could not use it, I already asked. At this time my milk was coming in... and no baby. heart broken.

   We gathered all his belongings. Doctors were coming up to us tears in eyes. Nurses tears and hugs. We were greeted by councilors pamphlets of  "What to do now" Information. Information I just wanted to throw in the garbage.  I knew it was just protocol. We filled two red wagons with all his stuff and was escorted to our van. We passed the chapel room, I spent many days there on my knees. We passed Tullys coffee shop I would frequent there two times a day and many times fill the nurses cup.  Passed the gift shop, I remember folks bringing gifts for Hudson from there. It was time to leave and the place I wanted to leave so bad I wanted to stay. My son, I am leaving him there. 
   We drove home, everyone in traffic with some place to go. Why was the world still going my son just died.  
   We called the doctor that had performed the surgery. He has been doing this surgery for 26 years he never has had this happen. He was even in much turmoil. We watched him pace as he waited Hudson's fate at the hospital, hands over his head, he was in complete stress. It hit us, he felt responsible, he was awaiting  a lawsuit.  Chief called him at his home, he voice was quivered and very very nervous he was sorry to hear about Hudson looks like he called to check on him and found out the news. This will blow you away... Chief, called him to release him to say we forgave him and he need not worry we would not sue him.  He was shocked his voice was quivering and he said thank you so much.
  We pulled into the drive way. I ran into his room. The room we prepared for his arrival. Empty crib.   I wept there.   
     If that was not enough. 
  We had to go tell our sons, their baby brother was not coming home. Heart Break.one million pieces. Little A was almost 3, J-man was almost 6.  Then came the words from a six year old "But we prayed, why didn't God heal him?" 
    Toughest conversation ever.  The next days were filled with many many outpouring of love to us. We didn't feel alone. 
      The minutes became hours and hours days, the days weeks and months and years. 
   Here we are six years later. A Huge change in our family. We still remember him daily. Our boy. You are missed. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Dads home and weekend round up



Dads home. Came home mid week its been sweet having him back. Started to a rough start. I know how can that be. BUT, its almost like I could not let go control. For 45 days I was the only boss, so when another boss came and tried to take my territory it was awkward.  I got over it. 

Celebrated my mother in laws Birthday yesterday with shopping and brunch. 


My Favorite 15 year old, joined us, my niece is she not beauty. Love her.

My sister in loves...love them too.


I am sure we did some other thing this weekend. These were the ones I documented on camera. :)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

running

So...the above lovely photo was taken after my run. My friend and I were talking about how the beautiful runners of the Olympics look amazing even after a run. No red faces, their sweat looks like a soft glisten. But me, I stink, my face is red as a tomato and my eyes get really small. No fair. But one day I am so sure I will look like Joss or Felix...they makes it look easy!

                              This is what I look like after a visit at the Physical therapist. This tape is amazing. Have you heard of it? Olympians use it.   
    I have 30lbs to loose. I know that's a ton right? I have been very harmful to my body for the last two years.Two moves and two kids in the mix has left me with stress eating. You know what I do when I am stressed?  Eat no breakfast have six cups of coffee a day =no weight lost just the opposite. Well, its about time to take care of it again. P.Therapist is suggesting I also take on swim and Yoga.  
   
    Chief and I are going to do a body cleanse. Its sorta crazy because I wont be eating eggs, caffeine, or freaking cheese. I live on these!Find more about it here
  I will let you know when I start so you can check my progress on if it works :) 
    Peace out, happy running and if you don't, get out there for a walk. Even for 5 minutes.
           

Saturday, August 4, 2012

My man is coming home!


  My stud got a job! HUGE answer to prayer. HUGE.   We were in this for a bit of a haul. We were both miserable without one another.   
              Its been a full month he comes home in 13 days. CAN.NOT.WAIT.    For the first time he will have an inside job. As in a building. For as long as we have been together, he has always been working outside on the field.  Excited and nervous about what this will bring. 
                         So glad it was faster than expected. 

Are you ready for some football

    Big A has taken up football this fall. First time. We are super excited to be playing him in his dads mascot football. 
               Is he not the cutest little football player. Ever. 
           I know he is my kid and all..but look at that face. 
     G.G is on the cheer squad.  She is seriously loving it too.
               Give me an B.give me E give me an A give me an R! Grrr!
             Dude man E and little Roo will be joining the fall sports too. I am going to be one busy mama this fall. 
  *special mention to the grandparents for chipping in to cover uniform fees because good golly Miss Molly they are super expensive.   Don't know what we would do without them. 
Any unauthorized copying of these photos or posts will constitute an infringement of copyright. No part of this blog or the related files may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author.

Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!