Saturday, July 21, 2012

Mom Confession: I suck.

I have never been fully open on our issues we have with one of our boys. Partly because I don't want him to have a tittle attached to him, partly because I don't want  him to be judged before meeting him first.  
  One of our boys have had some needs that have sent us on a cosmic egg hunt to get the correct diagnosis for a few years. We have gone to three Psychologist, two psychiatrist,  two behavior therapist and two Occupational therapist. He has been diagnosed with ODD, Dyslexia, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, then not ADHD. 
 There is something else, I know there is, but seems we have to take this loop once more to get the one I am certain he does have. Doctors should just listen to me already. really. 
    His impulse control is non -existent. Self Control is not in his vocabulary. That includes his sensors on food. In other words, his body can be full but his brain can not feel the difference. Making him very overweight for his age, very.  We are not a family to have junk food at all. I don't remember the last time I bought junk, or even a Cola.  That doesn't stop him. 

   Children who have ODD usually save the best for home. That means that maybe teachers wont see this behavior at school and they don't.  OR it may come out with him not having a drive at all for himself, looking like he is lazy.  It affects the whole house however. It is a very tiring emotionally draining ordeal. 

 We have tried three medications after me holding to natural remedies  for a couple years.  Through diets and and natural medicine. 
    Nothing seems to help. We have tried all forms of disciplines. None have been effective. 
     In fact its getting worse. I would love to say I am an awesome mom to him. But I can't because I am not.  His temper and augmentative and high impulse control has me batty. I TRY. I Fail.
His  self esteem is extremely low. He knows he is heavy. He knows his "issues" make people feel uneasy and irritated and even uncomfortable.  
 Everyone seems to have a solution about it. Feed him healthy foods. Um duh. Keep him active. You try. Spank him he is just disrespectful. Have him loose things he loves. The advice goes on. 
   And its okay I get people love him and want to see him well. 
   Its not that easy.  Trust me. 
More than anything I want to see him love himself. Today he doesn't. He will poke fun of himself if others are laughing at him and so it may seem like he is comfortable with himself. He really is not.    
   In a few weeks we are onto more doctor visits more medication I am sure and lots of patience is needed for this mom and siblings. 
 If you know our family, and you are around this guy he will make you laugh. Its super hard not to laugh with him in the room he is just a goofball. Sometimes I feel he is being laughed at and that breaks this mamas heart. 
     I want to attentive to his needs. I want to be highly patience and not loose it when he yells at me and  calls me terrible names during a rage, when there is an argument over every single task given to him. I want to not get upset that his impulse control in not in order and so simple things like walking without falling or needing to chew on his T-shirt, or when he bothers his siblings non stop. I want to be. Most days, I find myself exhausted from the constant. 
          So my confession. I suck at this. This is hard and I want answers. 
                 Pray for him. He (WE)  really need a solution fast. 


Jenny said...

You would suck if you didn't care. But you do...a lot. Hang in there and hold onto hope! (Miss you guys.)

Allie said...

I'm sorry you're struggling, Natalie. We love you guys!

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

OH sorry!!!!! PRAYING for you!!!! to find not feel like a failure- YOU ARE NOT!!!

And well if you are then so am me. Our little one with ADHD, no control at ALL, totally impulsive at all times, completely destructive, etc.......(no weight issues), but everything else inbetween!!!!

It is hard....tiring....and we have tried diet and other things too....NOTHING! :(

PRAYING for you Natalie!!!!! God knows you are trying!!! It is not easy!!!! HANG IN THERE GIRL!!!!!!!

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!