Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Orphan Overload

     Here I go. I am emerging out of a very long blog hiatus because I really felt moved to stop blogging and pay attention to something the Lord has been wanting to share with me. Maybe even you...maybe.
 I realize I may step on toes, but realize this. This is my conviction may not be yours. 
   When Frank and I meet we were missionaries. We loved Jesus and out of my pores I  wanted to Glorify him greatly. If that meant satisfying the needs of the injustice by sacrificing my own comfort my own dreams, I welcomed it with full bold heart. The older I got the feeling to "jump" made me more cautious.  Remember when climbing a tree when you were little was no sweat, but even the thought of jumping on the trampoline now makes you want to wear a pull-up. No? Just me then .
   Fast forward to our first adoption. We came back full force ready to conquer and save the children of Ethiopia, we would stop at nothing to do so. It was a overbearing pull of our hearts to help the children we saw.  Until we were meet with great adversity from the words of  individual who held great influence and leadership. The words that came out of his mouth were fighting words. Now thinking back on the conversation, sadly it was the dumbest and yet best thing this person could have said to me. Why.. he set a fire under my feet.  
I Could not sleep at night, number, statistics were waking me up. I woke up many times in cold sweats because the memory of what I saw was overwhelming.  Then, something went on inside of me.  Are you ever are at a store, okay I am going to say the stores names because this is the only place this has happened. *something something MART.   You see a mom yelling profanity at her children, even giving them a hard smack? The fire inside you begins to boil and you want to giver her a good sense smack? But what do you do, some of you may intervene. I did on one occasion. For the most part we huddle our children and make sure she sees us speaking sweetly to our kids "that a great choice!" (even if its the nicest we have been all day!) just so that she ..be honest...feels guilty.      
   I became that judgmental mom about the Orphan crises.  My own heart was judging people for the lack of  feet movement towards the injustice going on. It was not only oversees in our own land too.  It was happening, my eyes were opened, I could not go on. But why was everyone else going on with life, and this ached me.   I began to separate my own self from people who *didn't get it*.     I went on judging,feeling justified because after all I was being a voice for the voiceless. 

   Until  ...dun dun dun ....they came home. The big ones. The ones that changed my outlook to adoption. Adoption had another face to me. Hurt, confusion, trauma, anger, sadness.  It was not longer songs behind a youtube video moving me to tears. It was now, the aftermath of a storm.
   I began to take a seat back and watch. As the facebook feeds became more inundated with families adoption.  I became a skeptic." You have no idea what your getting into....make sure you do. " "take a moment and really seek, if you do not feel you can do it, don't!"    It was a new ticker to me when I would read someone was bringing home older siblings.   It was hard work. I wanted them to know it was not going to be this easy road of "loving" them well. Sometimes love was not enough for one of my kids with trauma. I wanted them to know there would be days where they gave everything to their little and have nothing in return but anger.  I wanted them to know, they would not be thanked by their child for "saving" them. Even if they were "saved" from a mud hut.   
    Fastforward to the new year. God asked that I would take a hiatus from advocating. I know, what? Why? I love Orphans. I want whats best for them, to be loved into a family, be protected, to be safe.  Take some time, to pray and mediate on what his heart is for them, what my role was. BUT wait, if I don't adovate that means one child could have not been adopted because I didn't share  about them. <-----Wow, really Natalie.   It hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't trust God's heart was more broken for them than mine.   Like I said, this was my own conviction, so please do not think I am against adoption in anyways *duh*.
  I am against advocating in such a way that brings people to shame and guilt. Thats not our job that's the Holy Spirits. I am against the phrase "everyone should adopt!" NO, H ..E.. to the double L NO! I am against manipulating the church of God into feelings that God needs to bestow.  I have done all these things. If you felt that way while reading my blog *forgive me*!  I am growing.   I am against the phrase "the least of these" being overused to make you feel better about what you are doing.  The least of these are not only orphans it is the poor living right under your nose.  I am against the pretty picture of adoption only, its not beneficial to not see the grief for our kids too.

  I AM FOR ORPHAN PREVENTION.  I am for advocating for orphans that are on wait lists. Defiantly needing home. My friend told me yesterday there are 3000 on the China special needs list. 3000. I am for letting the Holy Spirit use words to penetrate hearts into movement. That doesn't mean I have to yell, sometimes it does.     
     Please do not take my words as trying to convict you to stop advocating, no way hosay.  Watch your heart, watch your spirit. You are not close to Jesus or more spiritual because you advocate.  I am also saying this to myself. You can grow weary in doing good. You can even grow calloused to the broken world around you.   There is such a thing as too much. Your voice does not become effective when you bark so much too, you can actually push others away. seriously. If you don't believe me try asking a non adoption friend.     
    And with that I leave you. My soapbox is over. So long till next time. I love Jesus too. 
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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!