Saturday, August 20, 2011

Plans Change

Remember when I told you I want to be where God wants me to be and I will be okay where ever he plants me. I lied. Because on Thursday chief and I had to make a HARD decision based on our circumstances. I am not one to make a decision based on circumstances I loath the cliche "when God closes a door, that was not his Will!" Simply because if that is the case, the minute any biblical hero came to a closed door, or a difficult circumstance it would have been easy to say "I suppose that's not the Lord" and walk the other way. Time and time again in scripture we are encouraged that the Lord is with us through those hard trails. That when we doubt ourselves or others point to us and say "what the heck, are you doing!?" He is there to Hold strong the course with us. If you know me, you know I never see a closed door as a NO from the Lord, but rather a challenge to stretch my faith strong.

This one has me dragging my feet. I said my good byes I was ready to reunite with my old friends and my old house. I was there, emotionally. So, when we were hit with the news of the IRS changing their mind for the fifth time we had to change course to "maybe" we can't move. I was okay with that one because I KNEW if God wanted me there, He would totally get my back on this one. We had to make a decision all of a sudden that really made me want to throw a tantrum. All the reasons of why we were moving became stronger in my mind, and one of them was the stinking humidity so I didn't even want to walk outside. That was just me. Then I had to share the news with the big boys.
Our big boys are Northwesterns BIG time. Big A asked me the other day "when is it going to rain, I am so tired of the sun!" J-man "I want to skip fall and go right into winter!"
I didn't want to make this decision.
We both called in the big greys ...okay if our parents read this there would be a smack down ;) BUT both our parents have lived journeys before us, and have wise words. Sometimes we take them, some times we don't and sometimes they were wrong ;)...most time they are right. Both sets, shared with us some wisdom. Hard to hear, but one the same token, if felt awesome to have parents who can give sound advice! Then chief made the call. We need to stay put ...for now. There are so many uncertainties with moving back. Chief does not have a job, there are no certainties that he will get something secured. There are situations with our home in Oly, to much to even share here. There are no certainties with that. I could be in the PNW without my husband and struggling to make ends meet for a Looonng time before we are united. Right now, its not wise for our preteen boy to be without a dad, and not right for our new kids to have dad not be present. Many old feelings will arise for them.
My heart HURTS. I want to be home. To be honest I don't want this to be home.
I want things to go back like they were. I want Him to tell me, just another few months Nat, just hold strong. Nothing.
Chief says focus on the positives. So I need to write them out.
5. SUPER COOL FRIENDS (I need to work harder on plugging in there!)
6. DOUBLE COUPONS (I know the dumbest thing to maybe you, but here they double coupons!)
Not sure when the "doors" will be opened to go back home. I pray one day.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

New Ideas for the old space

SO thankful for Pintrest, its a site that lets you make up your own pinbords of things you like, things you want to make, want to cook. For people with borderline ADHD, its a mess! It has helped me "Pin" (pun intended totally) down my style, so I can PiNp my house! OF COURSE I will have to do plenty of this little by little when the pennies are saved. sigh.Here is whats on my Pinboard looks like as of late. You may look at more of my board here.
Scroll bellow for how the old pad looks
I want to paint a wall this chalkboard color and make it a wall of Goodness. Have Psalm 23: 6 "Surely Goodness and Mercy will follow me all the days of my life" then in small computer font add statements of how good God has been to our family thus far. I may need a BIG wall ;)
Inspiration Jones Design

Pillow Love:

The walls will be this color wheat/grey. Inspiration Emily from Jones Design
I will attempt to do this painted wall paper...don't laugh. I will try!

Have I told you I love scripture? I EAT it sing it, can't live without it. I love the way my bible smells and nothing is more calming than the pages that turn. Why not have it all over my house?!
Say Hello to this couch grey, tufted love!
Alas the ottoman I will attempt to do own my own!

PINTEREST: and Old space

Like I need a new hobby while packing...but I admit I am excited to get into my own walls so I can repaint the walls, and make it "home". I have changed my decor taste, seriously I think this happens to people every five years! My old house looks like this. There is a combo of Cottage beach and French. Don't ask it just happened. This is a 70s house we redid the floors and trimming still needs a ton of work!! But here it is.
The Kitchen CLEARLY needs updating, but until I can come up with 32,000 it will have to do! Do you see the classroom cabinets, come on...right?

This fireplace is begging for a re-do and a mantle. Should I paint that paneling white? would you?

I can do the chepo chango like painting and just change up a few things right?

Go ahead give me Ideas I need them!!!

Busy days-2 week count down

We pack, we take down, we repack, we find loose change, we find lost toys, we toss the lost toys. We find the lost toys in the garbage that certain say individuals take out. We rummage through the goodwill pile to find possessions we forgot about that all of a sudden because valuable.

Its been crazy emotions round these here parts. <------ take note of the Southern.
We are crazy sad to be leaving awesome family. When I say awesome that in itself is an understatement. My little cousin Oscar takes the prize for best ever. He takes the kids to fun places the other day Jman lost his free ticket he earned with a reading program to Wild Waves. Oscar purchased his ticket and they ventured out together all day. He comes over on his days off to just hang, watches alien series with us. I want a little Oscar is Washington ;(

Excited to see Washington family, excited to get reconnected, excited to have them get to really know the new kiddos. Excited to see old friends and make new ones.

This is torture for me. Horribly terribly most definitely desperately sad that my hubby will have to leave again. Wanting a miracle to happen in the job situation. When you think of it pray for us will you. Tonight he did two things I would not be able to figure out myself. I am not a dummy. This babe has brains, but, Cell phones, and the sound of the HD system...well I can't figure them.

I cry just a little each time, I wake to morning fresh brew.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

One year and counting

Our new kids have been home from Accra Ghana for one year and a month. I am not sure how to word the last year. Its been a journey. A testing of faith a testing of self.
Our daughter came with much fight in her. She is a survivor what her little 8 year old heart has endured is nothing short of a miracle that she just didn't crawl into a corner and die. She was a wild child when she entered into our doors. Orphanage learned behavior. Fight for what you want, lie when you want it, self- sufficient and self persevering. She was a three year old stuck inside of a 8 year old body. Fight, was (is) her survival instinct. She wanted to show me why she was unworthy of love. When I loved her I was telling her that she was a lier because she was (in her mind) unworthy. I have never parented a child like this. I was failing and it was in my face multiple times a day. I was weary from the war scares left by other people on this girl, it was not even my fault but every day it became my fault. I was the one that wanted to love and so I was the wrong in the automatic wrong. So how did we cope?

Entering into a family DOES NOT make everything go away. The journey is NOT over when the paper chase is done. The Hurt and trauma that took a few years to have will often be a lifetime of healing. Going to Conferences such as this one and this one made me much wiser in what I was dealing with and how to heal heal my daughter and son without losing all the brain cells I once had :)! Joining forums and groups that had similar families have been a life saver. Books written from professionals that deal with kids from traumatic backgrounds like this and this were key. Becoming therapeutic parents was the answer. Trying to escape the books we read for our first kids was difficult all the messages we were given for the first kids WOULD NOT WORK on kids like this. Also being a person that has abuse in her background (NOT FROM MY PARENTS...just to clarify!) and has had some deep pain and nasty scars for years because of it, I feel connected in a way I never would have to my daughter. Watching her unfold even a tiny bit at a time has been therapeutic for me. Watching the rage inside her, reminded me of the rage in my own heart. God used her for me and me for her in ways so profound only a Masters hand can be involved in .

Our boy: OH LORD AL MIGHTY! This one came to us at 4 but really at 24 months emotionally. At night the little man became a baby. Baby talk, wanted to be bottle fed. We did. Wanted to be rocked. We did. Wanted to be swaddled. We did. He is also totally a sensory kid. All over the place wild child. Nothing slows him down. He is destructive even though it has slowed down (the destruction) not the energy its still something that lands him trouble daily. Stinker. We had a better bonding experience with little man. No rages, No crazy emotional roller coaster. He is so comfortable with us. Now he openly tells me how much he misses his birth mother. We allow our children the opportunity for this and never shut it down. I want them to miss their birth mothers. If I was in the same shoe, I would want my biological children to miss me. Plus if we speak about it often the less it will come out as an anger outburst. He shares this with us a few times a month. I have found the more open we are of it, the better they both are. Some days I see someone that reminds me of Birth mom and I say "look who does that remind you of, oh she is so beautiful just like ___!'' Or we are at a store and G or E say birth mom would LOVE that. To which I always say something along the lines of "you are probably right, it would be so nice in her pretty dark skin too!" I never get offended. In fact I think of her as a third parent in our relationship her presence is here as long as it is welcomed by them.

Where are we now? One year later. We have come a long way. We have a super long way to go. Sometimes things regress back to the old days. I am better at gauging the future. Some days its very unpredictable some days I say to Chief "this one will send her for a loop, be prepared!" We are MUCH better at keeping our cool. Some times he more than I sometimes I more than him. Sometimes we BOTH loose it, because it can be very draining. Parenting non-traumatized kids can do it to you to!! For the most part our girl is NO where close to what she looked like entering our doors. There is more confidence in her walk. There is more thought process and she makes a choice. There is some days even some good emotion talk " I am so angry right now, I want to throw something! Good talks. There are plenty things still there. We cope, we help heal, we go back to the books and ask questions. We take breaks to give to our biological children and our baby (who is 4..tear), they need us just as much.

ONLY in Gods Grace. Not at all by my own power is this even possible. I fall short, every time. He has to go before me daily. I have never gone to his Throne like I do now.
One year later, I am a different person.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Tween tails

Our oldest will be 11 in September. We have officially entered into a territory of no return. Mood swings, eye rolling, huff and puffing, withdrawn, and the occasional girl blush. YES. His body is changing...ekk! I am terrified. I do everything wrong at this stage too. I never understand his thoughts, oh and I am way out of the cool loop. I am no longer first. I am no longer the impeccable and perfect mother (I never was, but to this guy I was at one point!) I have flaws and I am reminded by them now several times a day. I hurts.
I get this is a stage, I understand every child will enter a time in life where they question parents, where they question themselves. I think we never really grow from the questioning of ourselves.
The part I don't like is that my boy is questiong his faith. Excuse me while I wipe the tears so I can see the keyboard. .... okay. This is also something we all have to come to, how to see Jesus for our own lives. Not have the faith of our parents, but knowing Jesus from our own experience.
Its something I have prayed for "Jesus be real to Him, not through me, through YOU!'' but when it comes.. it will take you for a spin. Some days I have said the wrong things. Some days my jaw drops to the questions, only because I have raised this boy from baby to love Jesus. You can not teach someone to love someone you simply lead as an example and pray they are catching on pray they are watching.
Even still. The questions come. Even still, the child is building his own faith. We are both having growing pains!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kisses from Katie.mp4

As someone who calls themselves a Christian it is very apparent that you are to Love the Lord with all your heart and you are to Love your neighbor as yourself, myself doesn't want to be starving so I don't want other people to be starving!" Katie
Its simple.

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!