Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I want to adopt BUT..What If I don't love the adopted child like my biological child?

My second son A man at one month old
Great question. Really it is. This was a GINORMOUS fear of mine. I had three biological sons. We lost one at three months old Hudson Sawyer, you can see his sweet face on the side bar. I was afraid that love could not grow in my heart again. More concerned when we were tossing around the idea of adoption. I nursed my babies, I am fully bonded with them. I would take a bullet for them any day. I can turn into a mama bear for them within seconds. Was this feeling just through biology? Would I share the same heart with a child not from my womb? Can it ever be? Its is a fear that even if we don't say out loud so many of us adoptive parents have shared. If you have biological children then you may remember the same feeling having your second child. Could I love this second child when ALL my love is for my first? How is this even going to work? You have your baby in your arms and you even feel silly at the idea you had about dividing your love, because now you realize your love has the capacity to multiply.
How so with a baby that was not formed inside of you, that spent 9 months getting to know your voice your?
Here is an honest confession. When my babies were placed in my arms my biological babies. Although I knew I would love them, I felt a bit stoic. As if there was to much emotion to even understand what exactly I was feeling. So hours later for sure I am sobbing at the awe of how many fingers and toes they had, the small details of their face and in LOVE.
Fast forward with little Roo placed in my arms at three months old. The exact age of when our son died in our arms. I watched the video with her the other day. I had the same feeling of love and compassion, but it was different. Not in a bad way different not at all. I was shocked at how I could bond this easy with my newly Ethiopian daughter. It was a piece of cake!
Our second adoption I was completely fearful. I was picking up a 4 year old and 8 year old. I had no expectations of this kind of love. I was an instant mom when we said yes to them. I became a mama bear, and was defensive for them and willing to take a bullet for them too! This feeling did not remain the same when we meet for the first time. I hate to break it to you, perhaps I am the minority in this. BUT, I felt that these kids that I loved in a photo, were strangers in my home. My son 4, bonding became very easy with him. It took weeks, but no doubt. I love him just the same! I wish I WISH I could have said the same for my older daughter. Our bonding was not instant in anyways. She was an injured soul. She did everything imaginable to push me away from loving her. Love hurt her, why would she want it? I went through major guilt. How could I feel this way, how can I not have compassion like I do with the others for her?
I can tell you this. The Lord took me (is taking me) through much of the darkness of my own heart through this. It was easy loving a baby. A baby needed me, I needed to be a mama to those babies. This big one, was a bigger baby in another sense. Even though I Love her to pieces now, even though I have my times where I struggle and I know she struggles. I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. NO REGRETS. Because even though the love was not instant for me nor for her to me, the Love I have for her and I am having for her as time goes on, is creating a bond with us forever.
So there you have it folks. Its not a Cinderella happy every after story. We have a ton of growth to go a ton of healing ahead of us. Just the same way I can not answer which one of my kids I love the most, I can not answer if I love the bio ones more because they are all equal for me in love in there own time. If you are really honest with yourself there is always one or a couple of kids you are really liking right now and some or one not so much right? Yet you love them all always. Its kinda the same in this stage in our lives. Love grows. Its always growing.
DO not let this overwhelm your heart. Your mama or pappa heart will expand to fit more and more kiddos. Have you ever heard someone say I love my kids but really I wish I stopped at the last two, because Oh my word, I have no love left for them!!! Gee I hope you have not either. You can LOVE a child that is not from your womb, You WILL love a child not from your womb, You will GRIEVE the days they were not with you, as you watch (ed) the things with your bio kids, first steps, first teeth, etc. especially when the growing force behind your lack of ability to is from our Abba daddy!
Praying for you, please let this not keep you from following something you know the Lord has placed in your heart. You will look back at this and think it was a silly idea to not go forward. I promise!

1 comment:

NCGranny said...

I am the mother and mother-in-law of the "Brighton Their World" folks. I am in the process of forming an Orphan Care/Foster Care/Adoption Advocacy Ministry at our church and I hope it is ok with you if I save this blog and use it at some point in time with people who have some of the same questions you have. Thanks so much.
NC Granny (sandra.ward@earthlink.n)

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!