Friday, March 18, 2011

This is Gods Fault.

(G and E opening up cards from us, I wonder whats in thier minds at that moment!)
Defending the cause of the fatherless seems like an easier task when you are speaking up to middle class Christian Americans about the reasons why we need to step in internationally and in our back yards to help and defend the fatherless. An extremely difficult task when you are explaining the reason to one that was called ''fatherless'' that was not necessarily fatherless.
Not going into further detail about our children history, but our kids did not come into the home for having parents die.
Yesterday during a ''discussion'' with my girl, she mentioned she was not angry with me. She is angry with God. I got this one I naively thought, ''With God, Honey...why?''
"God Told you to go to Ghana, I would still be there if You didn't listen or if He didn't say it, OR Why Did you even choose me, you could picked anyone else!''
Again, this journey shows me more and more of what ''wisdom'' I seem to think I posses in situations like this that just makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry, I have no words. I know reading about this, many of you may know what you would say. But I tell you looking at the eyes of a girl that has had life torn from her to tell her that God is all loving and all Powerful just seems like a giant Oxymoron. I know, I get it, He is all Loving all Powerful, all Amazing to heal any wound trivial or ginormous. He Is Able, He is Willing, and He is..period.
Just try explaining it to a child that had to see her mom walk away out of the gates and wonder if she will see her again. You ...CAN...NOT.
Even though you think I would have a great amount of compassion, my heart and attitude has to deal with not taking it personally. They are so lucky to have to come to America to have an education, to have a second chance of life....we have been told, we even feel that in the back of our minds at times and have to battle reason and logic with her reality of it. Try explaining that to a child who would have rather stick it out with whatever situation her life presented with she would take that to still be in her first home. She doesn't feel LUCKY!

So what do you say to a child that ask you ''why did you listen to God, Why did He even say this or would say this to someone?"
Because our discussions are usually the result of some significant behaviors. There is usually a wall and a hard exterior body language sometimes with both of us...Most times with both of us. I have to walk away for a while, to gain some quiet mediation, and patience and cool myself and maybe call a friend (JH :)
Some of you have adopted smaller children and do not even come close to this sort of ''chats''. I want you to warn you you may be questioned this very same question for you child.
After hours....really hours... This was my response...Don't judge me I am really new to this and probably screw up majorly with my response!

" I know you are angry with God, I am so glad you said that out loud to me because God already knows that, He loves you even when you are angry with Him. His love is something that many of us can not understand. Love is hard many times, and many times God allows things to happen that can hurt us that can even take our lives away or the people we love. That doesn't look like love to us, I know. BUT, only He knows why, We can not see it with our eyes. One day He may show you. The other thing is we live in an evil world. Some evil has happened to you, God knows that, you can always go to him and tell him how angry you are with Him. He will turn this around if we let Him, he can and I know he will. You don't have to be ready now, you don't have to listen to me about this. BUT, we love you the hurts you have do not make us love you any less. Never, never never. Yes God did tell us to go to Ghana, Yes we feel like God did say you are the girl for our family, I know that makes no sense to you right now. We could have said No to God about adoption, someone else would have adopted you and you would have been in the same shoes with another family, Or you could have not been adopted and stayed in Ghana and had another different life. (she was all over that one!)
...I just had to end it emotionally that was opening up another door I could not walk into at that moment.

Thats as far as it went. We can fill our vocabulary and conversations with so many beautiful words ''Chosen, Wanted, Loved...." Our kids from hard places may not even grasp those words or even want to right now. I have to back up and just say its okay. I can not explain the logic that she is better off for her life here, health, safety, education, and because I know her history I know this home is the best for her. That doesn't matter right now, one day it may. Our job is to help her find healing, educate ourselves on how to walk every day with pain in a child's heart, and every day bend our knees that the Lord would allow Love to penetrate deeper than the hurts inside. Adoption does not end when a child walks through your front door...the Journey has just begun.

For mamas and papas finding this journey to be weary for you soul, I get you. There is HOPE. I know it, speak it over your children, while the sleep maybe :).
For the readers that feel sorry for us, Don't please don't these are small glimpse that take place not on a daily basis (the behavior can.) But the hard discussions do not. I am so glad they are coming out when they do. Its a good sign that she is placing trust in me to hear her heart. We get to be apart of a magnificent story and the Love of Christ can shine through us (many times I doesn't because um..yeah just trust me on that one!) Its hard, complicated and beautiful all at the same time.


Jess said...

I think you're responses to her are amazing... and it is a great thing that she is opening up her feelings to you. Most kids that age don't talk about their feelings all that much. Thanks for sharing your 'heart talks'

B'sBabyFarm said...

I appreciate so much that moms like you put this stuff OUT THERE. It is slightly terrifying at times to read it,but I am so glad to be able to go into this with eyes wide open. Thanks for sharing all this.

A. Gillispie said...

Wow. Thank you *SO* much for putting this out there and allowing others to see that adoption is not always warm and cuddly. Sometimes it's words like "tragedy" and "heartbreak" and "angry at God" that better describe it.

I wish the sentence where you talked about the FACT that children adopted and a younger age will also have these questions was BOLD! It's so true. This is a deep jagged tragedy in the lives of our children--even if they were adopted at a very young age. I've had similar discussions with my 10 year old adopted at 6 months.

Thanks Nat. You're a blessing to this community.

Teresa said...

I really appreciate you sharing these very real conversations you have with your beautiful daughter. It really is a blessing to us adoptive moms! Keep on keepin' on girlfriend!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

THANK YOU for your transparency.

I just popped over from Anita's blog, and am so glad I did. I look forward to reading more about your family.

I have a very angry 9 year old daughter, adopted from Ghana. Today is the 3 year anniversary of bringing our girls home. 3 years ... and still VERY difficult.

Hope your weekend is BLESSED!

Laurel :)

Amy said...

A great, honest post. Good for you for opening up and sharing about the realities. You're handling it well and it isn't easy sometimes. Hugs to you and yours...

Amy Ferrell

Teabo Chica said...

What wonderful things you women share with me. Thank you for allowing me to be transparent, its a fine line about how much to share and what to keep behind close doors.
Thank you all for your sweet words I enjoy each of you!

abby said...

Thank you for your honesty. We have had that same discussion many, many times with our daughter who came home at 10 from Ethiopia. And all we can say to her is that God has a plan for her and right now the plan does not seem right or lucky or fair but later on in life, she'll look back and see what God did with her life.

And one day, I know that my son, who was 5 months at homecoming, will ask his own difficult questions.

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!