(G and E opening up cards from us, I wonder whats in thier minds at that moment!)
Defending the cause of the fatherless seems like an easier task when you are speaking up to middle class Christian Americans about the reasons why we need to step in internationally and in our back yards to help and defend the fatherless. An extremely difficult task when you are explaining the reason to one that was called ''fatherless'' that was not necessarily fatherless.
Not going into further detail about our children history, but our kids did not come into the home for having parents die.
Yesterday during a ''discussion'' with my girl, she mentioned she was not angry with me. She is angry with God. I got this one I naively thought, ''With God, Honey...why?''
"God Told you to go to Ghana, I would still be there if You didn't listen or if He didn't say it, OR Why Did you even choose me, you could picked anyone else!''
Again, this journey shows me more and more of what ''wisdom'' I seem to think I posses in situations like this that just makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry, I have no words. I know reading about this, many of you may know what you would say. But I tell you looking at the eyes of a girl that has had life torn from her to tell her that God is all loving and all Powerful just seems like a giant Oxymoron. I know, I get it, He is all Loving all Powerful, all Amazing to heal any wound trivial or ginormous. He Is Able, He is Willing, and He is..period.
Just try explaining it to a child that had to see her mom walk away out of the gates and wonder if she will see her again. You ...CAN...NOT.
Even though you think I would have a great amount of compassion, my heart and attitude has to deal with not taking it personally. They are so lucky to have to come to America to have an education, to have a second chance of life....we have been told, we even feel that in the back of our minds at times and have to battle reason and logic with her reality of it. Try explaining that to a child who would have rather stick it out with whatever situation her life presented with she would take that to still be in her first home. She doesn't feel LUCKY!
So what do you say to a child that ask you ''why did you listen to God, Why did He even say this or would say this to someone?"
Because our discussions are usually the result of some significant behaviors. There is usually a wall and a hard exterior body language sometimes with both of us...Most times with both of us. I have to walk away for a while, to gain some quiet mediation, and patience and cool myself and maybe call a friend (JH :)
Some of you have adopted smaller children and do not even come close to this sort of ''chats''. I want you to warn you you may be questioned this very same question for you child.
After hours....really hours... This was my response...Don't judge me I am really new to this and probably screw up majorly with my response!
" I know you are angry with God, I am so glad you said that out loud to me because God already knows that, He loves you even when you are angry with Him. His love is something that many of us can not understand. Love is hard many times, and many times God allows things to happen that can hurt us that can even take our lives away or the people we love. That doesn't look like love to us, I know. BUT, only He knows why, We can not see it with our eyes. One day He may show you. The other thing is we live in an evil world. Some evil has happened to you, God knows that, you can always go to him and tell him how angry you are with Him. He will turn this around if we let Him, he can and I know he will. You don't have to be ready now, you don't have to listen to me about this. BUT, we love you the hurts you have do not make us love you any less. Never, never never. Yes God did tell us to go to Ghana, Yes we feel like God did say you are the girl for our family, I know that makes no sense to you right now. We could have said No to God about adoption, someone else would have adopted you and you would have been in the same shoes with another family, Or you could have not been adopted and stayed in Ghana and had another different life. (she was all over that one!)
...I just had to end it emotionally that was opening up another door I could not walk into at that moment.
Thats as far as it went. We can fill our vocabulary and conversations with so many beautiful words ''Chosen, Wanted, Loved...." Our kids from hard places may not even grasp those words or even want to right now. I have to back up and just say its okay. I can not explain the logic that she is better off for her life here, health, safety, education, and because I know her history I know this home is the best for her. That doesn't matter right now, one day it may. Our job is to help her find healing, educate ourselves on how to walk every day with pain in a child's heart, and every day bend our knees that the Lord would allow Love to penetrate deeper than the hurts inside. Adoption does not end when a child walks through your front door...the Journey has just begun.
For mamas and papas finding this journey to be weary for you soul, I get you. There is HOPE. I know it, speak it over your children, while the sleep maybe :).
For the readers that feel sorry for us, Don't please don't these are small glimpse that take place not on a daily basis (the behavior can.) But the hard discussions do not. I am so glad they are coming out when they do. Its a good sign that she is placing trust in me to hear her heart. We get to be apart of a magnificent story and the Love of Christ can shine through us (many times I doesn't because um..yeah just trust me on that one!) Its hard, complicated and beautiful all at the same time.
An inexpensive gift idea and a fun recipe!
6 years ago