Friday, February 25, 2011

"You'r not my mom!''

Somewhere in the back of my mind I was preparing myself for the stark reality that the teenage years will come. That I may get a ''I wish you were not my mom!" vent after a tug war about why I won't allow our kids to drive for a while, or even date for that matter! Nothing could prepare me for the words I heard today from one of the ones on my tribe after asking from her a simple request of brushing her teeth.
"You Are NOT my Mom!''
Me: "you want to try again with respect!''
Her: VERY CLEARLY "I said YOU are not my MOTHER!''
Me: asking all the kids to leave because I may be embarrassed at what comes out of my mouth next...all the while begging the Holy Spirit to guide me in this because I can Blow it, majorly here.
Me: "Is there another person doing all your laundry, helping you with your homework every day, feeding you, providing for you?'' I am it!'' I am you mom!''
Her: Angry I could feel the daggers and I am sensing I need to calm down.
Me: "Honey you have been adopted into a new family, that means that we are now your mom and dad, that never means we take over your biological mom and dad they will always have that place.''
Her: With this next phrase I was flabbergasted "I NEVER ASKED TO BE ADOPTED!''
Pause to gather my thoughts, pause because there is Nothing coming to my mind. Then it did.
Me: "You are right, no one asked you, no one asked you if you wanted a new mother, no one asked you if you wanted to leave your home country, you have a right to be angry!''
Her: Staring at the ground tears forming in her eyes.
Me: ''No one every asks us if we want pain, because the answer will always be NO. If someone asked me if I wanted my son to die the answer would be NO! But look at the blessings I have because God used his death for life. Its painful, It never stops being sad. BUT, it will get easier with Gods help.
Your right, I am not your biological mother, I am not the mother that saw your first breath, or that nursed you. I am the answer to the prayer of that mother. She needed someone to come, to help, and she prayed and I am the answer to that. It hurts, it sucks sometimes. I know you didn't sign up for this. I am so so sorry!''
Me: "anything you want to tell me?''
Her: "I don't want to be your daughter!''......shatter slash right to the heart, I can go back to Ghana!''
This child would rather experience hunger on the streets than the sadness of her soul. This kind of pain must feel unbearable.
Me: "This is no place for children, you can be killed, you can be taken and what would happen to E, you would have to take care of him too. This is not your job. This is a job of a mom and dad. I am sorry that this did not happen for you. God does not want that kind of life for you. For any of his children. Many of them die every day because of this. I know you know that, I know you have seen that."
By this time I just think she has said what she needed to say and we may be done.

After tears and a softness and a hug. I made her apologize for the words. I am not sure if she meant the sorry yet, but I need her to know that I am still her authority and I am strong enough to protect her, but I do not wish for hard words to be spoken to me.
This part stinks. This part is not fair. This part hurts. BUT there is Hope, I can not give up. God would never give up on me, even when I tell him
"'Your not my dad, what kind of dad would do this. Would take my son away!'' He didn't give up on me. I am human it makes I will mess up with my answers to her, I proablly did so something I should have not or even used to many words. This is my first time. It makes me angry that a child has to go thorough this, Its such injustice.
BUT its reality. Its also another Big reason why I am reminded of Gods mercy every day in my home.
I am not expecting my daughters or son to rise up and say thank you to me, Its my hope. One day I would really like her to see how much I fought for her, how mchh my prayers for her were worth it. Till that day, Love Abounds.


Nathaiel said...

So thankful for your transparency. And thankful that your daughter has a momma that is looking to her heavenly father for help each step along this journey. You're gonna make it, sweet sister. Together. Much love!!, Shelly

the H family said...

This part: "One day I would really like her to see how much I fought for her, how much my prayers for her were worth it" is my prayer for my Ghanaian Princess. I know she hurts and I know she doesn't want me to be her Mother. But here we are and I know that God put us together because we needed each other in this life. I also know that it was and is worth it, even the days (most of them) that we end up in tears. Hard truth, to realize that the little girl who you cried over, prayed over, battled governements and naysayers and the devil himself, and daily begged the Lord to protect would rather be afraid, hungry, beaten and cast aside in a country that would let it all happen than let me (you) love her the way we yearn to. I know the heartbreak and I know that sometimes all we can do is look forward to that day when she will understand a Mother's heart. You will be in my prayers until then.

Miranda said...

She is getting older.. at least you didn't really lose your temper. I'm sure she probably feels a little bad about that now and now understands what you were saying. You'll get through it 'cause you are strong! Miss you guys, Loves to you all.. Miranda <3

Raintree Park said...

Truly another reminder that our lives continue to reflect the gospel popped into my mind as I started reading and you concluded with it. "This is exactly what we regularly do to our Heavenly Father" -
While we have no experience in the challenges of adoption we are humbled alongside you in the fact that our children often serve as reminders of our own selfish, fleshly desires and yet we have a Father who loves us more than we can ever imagine. We pray that you will continue to receive strength and courage to continue to live as image bearers of him daily with your children and regularly through your transparency with others.

Raintree Park said...

Sorry, Raintree Park is a message from The Mobergs!

The Mobergs said...

Sorry, Raintree Park is a comment from The Mobergs!

J said...

... adoption is also about much loss... this is why we need our adoption community... you were given words of grace from God above... good job... I hope I am able to give such meaningful words in the midst of such heartbreaking pain myself oneday....

Murphy Momma said...

Don't lose heart friend. You are not alone and God is at work both in you and your daughter. She may even be afraid because part of her does appreciate this new life and all you do to love her and that is scarey when you feel disloyal to your first life. Ultimately, parent her "as unto the Lord" and He will turn the ashes into beauty in His time.

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

I have had VERY similar conversations with my 9 year old Ghanaian daughter.

When she gets into trouble, she has said several times, "Just send me back to Ghana."

Despite the trauma ... the abuse ... the lack of food ... there is a part of her that wants to go back, a part of her that probably wants to "make things right" with her memories.

Oh. So. Hard.

Any unauthorized copying of these photos or posts will constitute an infringement of copyright. No part of this blog or the related files may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author.

Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!