G just a few months after being brought to Eban house Ghana 2008
I have written about my new girl home almost 8 months, and have vaguely shared about the struggles we have encountered with her and the ways we are learning about how to parent a child into healing. We keep things on a need to know basis but some things are too good not to Give God the Glory for and some things I want to share so that some of you know there is HOPE. Small bits of Hope where you can see a sweetness inside a hurting soul.
Over the weekend I shared that I attended a conference to encourage moms on adoption. I meet a woman who sat and listened to me share my struggles at home. This woman adopted 4 kids from Spokane Washington's foster system and by the Grace of God those children are still in her home and she is still alive! She used the Nancy Thomas When love is not enough system for three years. Nancy spoke well of her in her sessions, so I knew I could trust her judgement.Her case was extreme, I do not mean to scare people about older children adoption. Its amazing, but there is work to be done in your own self and you will get the runt of it. This new friend of mine K has given me her text number and wanted to to text her twice a day, she will walk me through the struggles. One thing I shared with her specifically is that night time there is something that takes over my child, in a way I do not know what and how to apporoach her. It always seem to end in a power struggle, she can not control her emotions and is like a toddler that in bouncing off walls. I often walk out of the room to gain composure to then try to get her to calm to read a story. But every night there is something.
K shared with me that I must assume that something happened to her at night, or that night brings back flash backs of something that rings loudly of fear and fear needs to be talked about. So this is where the excess talking, the can not control emotions flaring come into place. She is trying to not think about it. Oh my heart.
K said the best thing to do *this is from the Nancy Thomas book When Love is not Enough* is make her fear smaller and smaller, right now its huge. Then she explained exactly what to say to G and how to approach her if there are different responses. I needed to try it!
I will share with you my experience the night I got back from conference.
We are in bed and G is laying down but her body is hanging off the bed and she is singing and asking the silliest questions "mom where is the bed, when you say lye down, where is down!'' I began to pray because my level of patience wears thin when this starts. I say to her
Me: ''G I want you to listen I have something very important to share with you~!''
G still bouncing. I continue "I know you have had a hard life, I know there are things that you are afraid of, I know things have happened to your heart, talking about them will make them small and smaller.....are you wanting to share with mom!''
G: totally perplexed but I have her attention ''...no it didn't!''
Me: praying because I know I can go just a tad bit before she shuts out.
Me: '' G, this weekend there were moms with kids that were adopted from all over and their moms have shared that they had a hard time with sleeping also''
G: sitting up now ''were any of them from Ghana?''
Me: ''no!''......."But if any of them were from Ghana, why do you think they would be scared?''
G: ...pausing..... ''They would be scared, because the miss someone!''.........Bingo!
Me: "who, G, who would they miss?''
G: ''They would miss 1st mom, and then they would miss Her Grandmother (the fictional took a female role all of a sudden...hmm!) and her grandfather, and her friends!''
Me: ''I would too, why else would she be sad"'
G: '' She never got to say goodbye to her mom, that makes her so sad!'' *gasp*
Me: fighting the tears "that would make me sad as well...what else you think?''
G: ''She would be angry that her mom and dad never came back for her, like they said!''
Me: Holy Jesus hold me because I am about to loose it ''That would make me angry as well G, very angry.''
G: all on her own "She would think her new mom and dad didn't like her, that they would send her away, because she was not nice!''
Me: ''Oh G her new mom and dad ADORE her they LOVE her with all that is within the want to see her get daugheher heart healed. If you ever see this Ghana girl I want you to know that she is Loved and wanted!''
G ''Mom what is that word when you don't really know how you feel, like messed,?"'
G "Yes, she would be confused about something.''
G: ''She wants to love both moms, but she feels bad,!''
Me: Praying hard that I don't end up a puddle on the floor "G, they same way moms can make space in their hearts for more than one child, you and this Ghana girl can make space for both moms. I would never make you choose, I would never want you to not love her, I would always want you to feel what you feel for her, with freedom.''
G: Laying her head on my chest lets out a big sigh and stays there for 5 minutes.
People, we don't have a lot of money. We struggle, we are not brangelina. BUT Is this not what Christ calls us to? Heal the broken hearted, to rescue the fatherless.
Adoption may not make sense to some. It may seem foolish to some as well. I really don't care anymore. This is worth it!!!