Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Depression

I am not a person that hides her feelings well, I choose to not be private with most of our life because if someone can benefit from my writing and be helped by me airing my dirty laundry it is well worth the humility of people knowing.
I suffer with depression. I have always suffered with depression. I have never know the full extent to this. Have had tons of therapy sessions and they only thing I can chalk it up to is my biology and then there are plenty of pains in my young childhood that I have dealt with or still continue to deal with. Does this mean I am always depressed. NO. Depression for me comes in many waves. I can be great and super and then a change in my life can bring me right back to not great not super. If you know anyone who deals with this you know darn well its not something you snap out of. You need medication and/or therapy. You need to be able to walk through it and come out on the other side healthy and able to cope with the daily life.
A few people close to me know of my struggle not too many and perhaps some will be surprised to even know this about me. It is a fact that I have lived with for very long. I count my blessings that I do not suffer from chronic depression my depression is mild but can turn to severe if I don't keep a handle on it.

I began to deal with it in High school and I didn't recognize what it was. I thought for years that it had been a lack of faith. I am a Christan I should be able to rely on Christ for my pure joy! I went through many years feeling this way and pushing my depression down. It was not till my second born that my physician asked if I had post partum and when I began to hear what this feeling was , I explained that this feeling were always with me. I was placed on medication right away. I WAS AWESOME :)! My struggle with the question of weather or not to be on the medication was dismissed quickly due to the feeling I have while on my meds. I was able to taper off and then became pregnant with my third son who died at three months. I got right back on it. Was doing well again. Adopted our daughter, I was off still because I was doing well. Had healthy therapy sessions and then life began to change again for me we were in the middle of our last adoption when our son got worse. We brought our kids home and I was still off my meds. We changed our entire life to Georgia, and that old darkness had taken over once again.
Two weeks ago I went in to get back on my medication ...starting to see the light again!
I struggle with how much to share about my depression .Depression can overtake your entire being. The times when I do not feel depressed are times when I am living out for Jesus, when I am radically living it out, when I am on a mission trip, planning an adoption, being an advocated for orphan care. The minute I start to focus on my life again I get right back to depression. I know we can't live as missionaries full time, I know I wont be adopting again, I know advocating for orphan care can be a full time job. BUT there is a cycle when I begin to focus on ME I get depressed. I was not meant to focus on ME we were not created to live this way. This is why I think depression is so common *even though people don't openly share about it*.
Do I think I have the cure for depression, to not focus on yourself, is this the quick fix? NO. I do believe many times depression can passed down or even chronic and needs medical intervention. BUT I also believe that its a reminder that when we focus on our pain when we look inward and focus on what we are not ,what we have not, what we can not it can be so easy to become depressed.
For me my meds will allow me to remove the cloud over me so I can focus back on Christ. Its a crutch for now, and if it works then I will do it!
If you have these feelings if you suffer from depression or anxiety let me just say you are not alone. PLEASE get medical help soon and fast. Do not wait for the feeling to go away most times it wont on its own. If you get to the point where you do not want to live GET HELP FAST!! Depression is not a joke and needs to be taken seriously. If you are in the body and know of someone that struggles with it do not judge them for taking a medication, you may not understand what living like this is like.
As for me right now I am on meds and will continue with my therapy sessions *these are my favorite cause I just get to talk!* If you have delt with it and are well but are adopting, know with the change you may need to talk with a professional , don't beat yourself up about it.
Hope this helps someone today :)
Loves!
Tribe mama
ps. If you need prayer for this email me, I PROMISE I WILL LIFT YOU UP AND YOUR NOT ALONE!

10 comments:

Shelley Egly said...

natalie- thank you for sharing! everyone will indeed benefit from your transparency, especially those in the adoption community. love following your family! take care!

Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

Thanks for posting about this. I have recently realized that I do not handle change well (even looking back at past transitions in my life) and our adoption was a doozy of a life change. I have learned so much about PADS and depression and anxiety in the past couple months, and will never ever judge another person going through the darkness of depression. It is one of the worst things I have EVER experienced. Bar none.

Tammy said...

Nat, the year after I left MOPS I was diagnosed with depression...it was the most unusual thing for me. Here is a post I wrote last year: http://www.tammystwocents.com/2010/04/pour-your-heart-out-depression.html.

Here are two people (you and I)who you would not imagine being hit by this horrible thing...it's still tough some days and this is my first winter without meds. I go back to the doctor next Friday and will talk to her some more about it. I just hated the side effects so went off of it on my own.

Hang in there girl...I will pray for you!

Steve said...

Natalie, My wife and I have two bio and 5 adopted. She too suffered from depression and is regulated on meds. Thanks for sharing your story as it can only help those that don't understand "What they have". I love following all these adoption blog. Take Care and God Bless Your Family,

Steve

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

thank you for your honesty! Depression is something I thought was a myth....until I experienced it. Since then there have been a few times in my life that for prolonged periods of times I have experienced it.

Praying....because I know....it is NOT easy!!!

Cris Cohen said...

As you noted, it can be helpful to get out of your own head. However, that can be tricky when you tend to be introspective by nature. It's like having a doctor tell you that you can get rid of your depression if you can stop being Caucasian.

Kel said...

Can I ask a question? Was your depression discussed as part of the adoption process? I had a period of something that was diagnosed as depression this year, although I feel it was more stress due to a very bad situation when I lost my job, but I have concerns it may come up in adoption and cause problems if and when we start that process.

Thanks for sharing.

Teabo Chica said...

@Shelly, Thanks for your comments I so appreciate you reading here!
@Amy yes indeed there needs to be more talk about it in the adoption community.
@Tammy-Great post, if more of us share then more are inclined to coming out of the depression closet!
@Steve, Your wife is welcomed to email me to chat at any time!Thanks for reading!
@Dawn I love you girl!
@Kel, I have heard it mentioned before but NEVER talked about with our social workers. There needs to be more light shed this way for post adoptive parents both mother and father.

Teabo Chica said...

@Chris, we are all introspective by nature not one human is born with a selfless interior. Its the sin of man kind. Simple. However many times depression can be helped by focusing on others when you look to help a friend in distress, when we help out at a soup kitchen, its brings focus of ourselves and sometimes we who are in the depression mode may need medical intervention to even get us in that mind frame. BUT depression as you say is not something to get ''rid'' of. There are just coping methods.

Marianna said...

Hi. Amy Watson told me about your blog and that you might live in our area. My name is Marianna. Would love to get in contact with you. We are living the adventure with our little guy from Ethiopia and waiting for a travel date for our daughter. My email is dollyhighmom@yahoo.com if have time to chat.

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