Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Depression

I am not a person that hides her feelings well, I choose to not be private with most of our life because if someone can benefit from my writing and be helped by me airing my dirty laundry it is well worth the humility of people knowing.
I suffer with depression. I have always suffered with depression. I have never know the full extent to this. Have had tons of therapy sessions and they only thing I can chalk it up to is my biology and then there are plenty of pains in my young childhood that I have dealt with or still continue to deal with. Does this mean I am always depressed. NO. Depression for me comes in many waves. I can be great and super and then a change in my life can bring me right back to not great not super. If you know anyone who deals with this you know darn well its not something you snap out of. You need medication and/or therapy. You need to be able to walk through it and come out on the other side healthy and able to cope with the daily life.
A few people close to me know of my struggle not too many and perhaps some will be surprised to even know this about me. It is a fact that I have lived with for very long. I count my blessings that I do not suffer from chronic depression my depression is mild but can turn to severe if I don't keep a handle on it.

I began to deal with it in High school and I didn't recognize what it was. I thought for years that it had been a lack of faith. I am a Christan I should be able to rely on Christ for my pure joy! I went through many years feeling this way and pushing my depression down. It was not till my second born that my physician asked if I had post partum and when I began to hear what this feeling was , I explained that this feeling were always with me. I was placed on medication right away. I WAS AWESOME :)! My struggle with the question of weather or not to be on the medication was dismissed quickly due to the feeling I have while on my meds. I was able to taper off and then became pregnant with my third son who died at three months. I got right back on it. Was doing well again. Adopted our daughter, I was off still because I was doing well. Had healthy therapy sessions and then life began to change again for me we were in the middle of our last adoption when our son got worse. We brought our kids home and I was still off my meds. We changed our entire life to Georgia, and that old darkness had taken over once again.
Two weeks ago I went in to get back on my medication ...starting to see the light again!
I struggle with how much to share about my depression .Depression can overtake your entire being. The times when I do not feel depressed are times when I am living out for Jesus, when I am radically living it out, when I am on a mission trip, planning an adoption, being an advocated for orphan care. The minute I start to focus on my life again I get right back to depression. I know we can't live as missionaries full time, I know I wont be adopting again, I know advocating for orphan care can be a full time job. BUT there is a cycle when I begin to focus on ME I get depressed. I was not meant to focus on ME we were not created to live this way. This is why I think depression is so common *even though people don't openly share about it*.
Do I think I have the cure for depression, to not focus on yourself, is this the quick fix? NO. I do believe many times depression can passed down or even chronic and needs medical intervention. BUT I also believe that its a reminder that when we focus on our pain when we look inward and focus on what we are not ,what we have not, what we can not it can be so easy to become depressed.
For me my meds will allow me to remove the cloud over me so I can focus back on Christ. Its a crutch for now, and if it works then I will do it!
If you have these feelings if you suffer from depression or anxiety let me just say you are not alone. PLEASE get medical help soon and fast. Do not wait for the feeling to go away most times it wont on its own. If you get to the point where you do not want to live GET HELP FAST!! Depression is not a joke and needs to be taken seriously. If you are in the body and know of someone that struggles with it do not judge them for taking a medication, you may not understand what living like this is like.
As for me right now I am on meds and will continue with my therapy sessions *these are my favorite cause I just get to talk!* If you have delt with it and are well but are adopting, know with the change you may need to talk with a professional , don't beat yourself up about it.
Hope this helps someone today :)
Loves!
Tribe mama
ps. If you need prayer for this email me, I PROMISE I WILL LIFT YOU UP AND YOUR NOT ALONE!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas in the South


The girls paiting nails





Tagging cousin Oscar with the first snowball of the season!




Poor Cheif he was coming down with the nasty flu this day.


Oh my heck, its been a while. Moving takes a huge adjustment on everyone. I am trying to find the Georgia me, if that makes any sense. I really miss the Washington me, if that makes any sense at all?!
I find myself so sad missing my Washington friends and life. Then there are times like Christmas, where I am in the same room with my mom and dad and family and know this was what I had been missing for so long. My parents just bought a home here in Georgia (they are in Florida) but the wont move till May of next year. Its times when my mom and dad come visit and my parents fill my house with laughter and support and ease. My dad can not stay still so whenever he is over you will find him sweeping out my garage, vacuuming out my van you know they things I DREAD to do. My mom you will find folding laundry, scrubbing my stove and mopping my floors. Is it bad to want your parents to move in with you, is that odd?
I know this seems strange but I enjoy my children so much more when they are with me. I don't feel stressed, I feel at ease and relaxed.
Christmas was amazing, we had HUGE blessings at our door. HUGE! We didn't want to go in dept to have Christmas gifts and we were going to be short a couple of kids, a miracle happened when a new friend handed us 500$ and told us Merry Christmas. I love God and how we works those things out so we can trust him. Even when we start to think He has forgotten us.
We were able to get everything on our kids list. G and E had a great first Christmas!
My parents were on the way out the day after Christmas when I suggested the best thing, take my big boys to Florida! :) We packed them up and sent them to Florida for the week. When would that have been possible? Love that. Our boys get to hang with grandpa all day for a week, they are in heaven!
Still can use your prayers as we are adjusting to a different life, different financial situations as well, and I can use a job!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friends we miss dearly. Just dearly.










































Some friends are irreplaceable. Simply said.
















Georgia in the Fall

















Just a few photos of what Georgia looks like in the fall! Its been super duper cold the other day it was 15 degrees! people keep telling us that this is very rare, yes, it decided to be very unpredictable our first few weeks. BRR!




Thursday, December 16, 2010

Eric Ludy - Depraved Indifference


This video hit home for us. Our son Hudson would be four this year. When his name is mentioned in the same context as what God had said to us it hit home. Watch it. Grab some tissue!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Truth and Lies



In the last 6 months are family has gone through some MAJOR life changes. MAJOR. Its been challenging and messy and hard, and some sunny breaks in between the hard and challenging.

We brought our children home in June and our house filled with tension as amazing as adoption can be it can also be extremely difficult and emotionally draining. I don't say that to stop anyone from adopting in anyway, Its been a rough road, but SO Worth the blessings! Having our little Roo and then big ones was a huge adjustment. Things were not sweet and lovely like it was with little roo that came home at 3 months, however I feel that her personality even if she came here at 3 years she is just a ray of sunshine ALWAYS!

You are required to read plenty of literature about adoption, I have a wonderful adoption community we share really intimate feelings and I gleaned from them with their older children adoption. I was not aware of the feelings I would deal with in my own icky heart, in my relationships with those closest to me and in my personal spiritual walk. Just in the same way when you have biological children you can read all about every aspect of labor in the 'What to expect while you are expecting" or 'What to expect the first year" and still you will go through emotions that you have never experienced because its a life lesson you have not gone through as yet.
It can be an extremely lonely experience unless you have full support of church and family and friends, and even then, it can linger of solitude. For these reasons..

1. You can not trust the audience who have already thought you should have never adopted in the first place. They may not say it (some do) but its a constant aroma of disapproval and disappointment. Why would you even risk opening your heart to this? You wouldn't and so you don't.
2. Well meaning and loving friends that mean well and love you but have not been there and so can not help with the emotions on this level.
3. You are too emotionally exhausted that even speaking with your spouse about it can turn into a bucket of hurt feelings and confusing emotions.

4. You HAVE to keep it up every day for your kids also your new kids they have gone though something much major than you, MUCH MUCH major.


The chief and I have had to hold up our emotions and then the consistent and one the stable one in my home became unstable with all the changes and relational disappointments. There was a big giant lurking in our home a very dark presence that was weighing us down every day. We were weak from the battle and were even feeling the temptation to lower our shields and we did, targets flew by and hurt us and we were for a bit laying on the ground and taking it. It had taken over our lives we were being disobedient to God in just the mere fact that we were believing lies planted by others used by the enemy to make us even question what we already knew God had orchestrated from the start. It was a hard hard process. Even knowing the truth still the darkness over took me fast.
Then it hit me one day, the hope that I had shun in the darkness of the lies I had believed. Its not about being victories its really about being obedient or disobedient. You can believe the lies that say ''why did you do this, why would you ever think God would bless this?'' " Its really all your doing your husband really didn't want it ( even though this is was totally made up lie, it made me question his heart) ''They would still be friendly to you if you didn't adopt. This lie was the worst, our choosing to adopt should NEVER Stop someone from having a relationship with us or being distant, that's not a GOD thing, AT ALL! And if it did, that's really other peoples conviction not our fault, not ours to own. Many more lies you can choose to believe and sulk low and heavy and allow the enemy to smile at his planted effort is destroying your joy, your peace, your family and even your faith.


OR....YOU CAN RISE ABOVE, Raise your head to the hills, because that's where your help comes from. You can CHOOSE to believe the TRUTH.


This is the Truth friends (not only for me, but for you adopted in his family as well)


YOU ARE ADOPTED into his family, because, He has adopted you (Romans 8:15), because you are HIS because He choose you, He will give you the strenght to follow TRUE RELIGION James 1:27




People will not accept Him (or the things that are of Him) , at times that even means Christians sadly (yes I am gutsy to say that some Christians do not even KNOW HIM, I was one of them Matthew 7:23). ''The World can not accept Him because it does not know Him'' John 14:1




There are promises that He has given us. These Promises need to sustain us. My Comfort in my suffering is this YOUR PROMISE PRESERVES MY LIFE!" Psalm 119:50




This live really is NOT YOUR OWN. You may have dreams and hopes and most times they are not His, even the bestest most noble ones, such as moving your entire family to Africa (my dream that is not Gods ...right now..tehehe) Give it up sista! Jeremiah 10:23




Trails come so your faith can grow (trust me this does not make it easier) 1 Peter 1:7 talks about us having a faith with more value than gold. We are being proved genuine so the end result in that GLORY, PRAISE and HONOR is brought to CHRIST.




Please I ask you to comment with other truths God has shared I know there are PLENTY, these are just the ones that ring true to my heart right now.

This adoption continues to show me how much I need Christ every single day, how much my ugly heart I thought was so lovely is really NOT! It has tested our marriage, along with other changes, it has been a rough 6 months. Not going to lie. We have found uglies in people we love, we have found uglies in our own closet. We have disappointed our children with our lack of emotional stability. We have disappointed each other in the process of really seeing what we are made of.

BUT!! We will rise once again!! My youth group pastor, Stephan Youngblood, wrote this song that a bunch of us sang after hurricane Hugo destroyed our houses and our island back when I lived in the Virgin Islands. It rings deep inside of me till this day
"We will rise once again from the pain we are in,
hand in hand with faith we will stand.
And with God as our guide
Side by Side
Together we will stand!''
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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!