Friday, August 27, 2010

The Real Scoop on Poop

DISCLAIMER: Don't be eating a chicken nugget or sipping on juice while reading this post. You may choke or run to the toilet cause its gross!
See how excited I am to give you the scoop on poop...what you talking bout Willis?! When you adopt internationally there are a series of doctor appointments and tests you need to do. The collection of stool is one of them. I can stomach blood wonds and even open wounds and I even in my spare time have caughty myself watching open surgery just for kicks, it really intrigues me! However I have procrasted this event, becuase I can not stomach poop on older kids, as if poop with smaller kids are easier, but you know what I mean. We call it man poop in our house when there is a shift from toddler poop to preschool poop. I HATE man poop!
If you can read the above memo it is an instructional on how to collect, keep and store the S*IT, seriously. There are instructions like this ''select from the area that appear bloody, slimy or watery. Gagging yet? I sure have. The first sample, I gagged so badly that I throw up in my mouth. *I know Nasty*
So if you have to do this disgusting job of collecting poop for older kids here are some tips.
1. Wear a bandanna on your face, and if you can handle it spray the bandanna with perfume first!
2. Bring matches with you and every 10 seconds light a really, I had to stop the scoop to light that bad boy to kill the smell in the room.
3. Open a window!
4. lock the door, other kids will come in to watch you do this and then they will have the need to throw up and then you will have poop and throw up to clean up....No seriously!
5. Wash your hands, even if you kids scream that the macaroni is burning down stairs in the kitchen, if you don't wash your hands you may forget and then ....well. Just wash up!
6. After you collect the refrigerated sample. And tell your child to take his or her brown paper bag in the outside fridge. Make sure to tell EVERYONE including your spouse of the surprise that lays inside otherwise they indeed will think its a treat open it up and well, it can get ugly.
There I hope this helps in your collection of poop...aren't you so glad you asked :)!


"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

he he he he he ......too hilarious.......yep- had to do that, but Jonathan's was from a diaper.

Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

I SO appreciate this post. I am already mentally preparing myself for this treat we get to endure soon. But these were actually helpful hints. And your photo of the instructions helped take some of the mystery out of it (unfortunately. ha!).

Oh, and I laughed VERY loudly while reading this! I think remembering this post will make the porcess more bearable when we have to do it. :) Thanks, girl!

Mrs Changstein said...

Sounds like a husband job to me! Love your honesty - I've been lurking for a while, and I have to tell you that you make me feel ok to feel like I do right now as we settle in with our daughter! Bless you!!

Heckert's Highway said...

I have tears running down my face!!! Seriously, you are hilarious, and I can just hear your voice saying all of this. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it!!

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!