Last night as I tucked my sweet boy A in, I usually lay with all my kids and talk about the day with them so does dad. It takes like an hour to do all the kids but its so worth it. Sometimes it doesnt happen so don't give kudos just yet. We have been gluten-free and dairy free for a week and a half, except I have snuck some bread and dairy for myself..shh...don't tell!
The only thing I have noticed is that A is a little more clear headed. He is able to hold a conversation with me more. Last night shocked me to the core. I am still as I write this heartbroken.
I laid next to him and said how much I love to be able to do this..just hold him. Then he said to me ''Mom..me too, I am glad you are lying down next to me, I love this too!'' WHAT?!! A usually would giggle and say something funny he does not share fuzzy emotions that easily. That shocked me, then here it is. He asked me if he could talk to me about something. Again floored, but I say of course, anytime. Then he very quietly asks ''Mom why did God make me like this*retarded*"... I am not kidding. Those were his words as quickly as they came out tears flowed from my face. He had never really touched on the fact on how different he was. Then he continued ''He made me fat, I just want to be skinny, I hate being me!''
I tell you these words cut like a knife to my heart. I try to gain control of myself to answer a very knowledgeable and loving answer and the words did not form too well in my mind. ''A...You are exactly the way you are to be, Your size and your personality is What God loves of you. I understand what its like to be different to not like the body you are given to not like to skin you are in, I am so sorry you feel this way my son...but look into my eyes. You are Loved just as you are''...tears flowing from both our faces now. Then he says '' Mom...I can't stop the eating I hide the food because I am always hunger. And people have called me fat. He used names of the children that say these words, he does not forget. I just want to not worry about having boobs (this one crushed me) and I want to not worry about how my pants fit. But I can't stop eating, because I am always hungry''. He continued "The other thing I can't stop using bad words, I fall down and I have to say it, I tried I really tried to not say them mom, but it comes right out of my mouth and I have to yell the D word, the B-word, mom even the F-word, I need you to give me something to help me. Not blood draws just a pill that would take it all away. This is a six year old, my six year old saying these words to me. HE has never used words like this to express his deep pain.EVER.
Being his mom I could tell that he is hurting when I hear that other kids called him fat, which make me really have a hard time because really we need to teach our children to be tolerant and loving with other people. Focusing on the shape of people bodies does no good, and to call another child ''fat'' can be so harmful.
I see the hurt in his eyes, when he can't control in anger. I know he wants to not do it, he just can't control himself. To hear him say these words oh my heart, my baby boy.
After I loved on the sweet thing and prayed with him and thanked him for using his words and sharing his hurts with me. I chatted about our plan of action with him, we were working on helping him, A magic pill may or may not take this away, but we were hoping that other things would help first. I had a pow wow meeting with dad, and brother and shared his pain. Both of them had tears in their eyes, and my oldest son said ''Permission to clobber anyone that makes fun of him?" By Clobber I am assuming you put in place respectfully first then yes! CLOBBER THEM! :) We talked about how our words can hurt even if its done in a funny way. We talked about how sometimes people feel pain and they don't really know how to share it so it comes out very angry. We talked about how we are changing things in our family to help all of us and I don't want anyone blaming the changed on A. I will clobber them!
He is a bigger kid, he is very tall and his charts numbers are way above and beyond the average six year old. We don't eat junk at my house, I am very wise on what goes into our family's pantry, no preservative junk here. So its not like we give our kids soda and Cheetos in lunch. We know he was born to be just a tad bigger by the time he came home from the hospital he was 10 pounds, and ate like a champ! There are things going on his body, we are seeking and will find an answer hopefully.
We are working hard to find out what and why he has to eat to feel full all the time. There are some blood works right now being done for some conditions they are looking into that can help us learn about his body. In the meantime we continue this diet, it has allowed my son to think clearly enough to share his true heart with me.
Anyone have tips on how to help build a child's self esteem. I get it starts at home. I am fighting guilt for not knowing how to help and build him up, but here it is in the raw. I am need some ideas.