Thursday, May 6, 2010

Oh my heart.

Last night as I tucked my sweet boy A in, I usually lay with all my kids and talk about the day with them so does dad. It takes like an hour to do all the kids but its so worth it. Sometimes it doesnt happen so don't give kudos just yet. We have been gluten-free and dairy free for a week and a half, except I have snuck some bread and dairy for myself..shh...don't tell!

The only thing I have noticed is that A is a little more clear headed. He is able to hold a conversation with me more. Last night shocked me to the core. I am still as I write this heartbroken.

I laid next to him and said how much I love to be able to do this..just hold him. Then he said to me '' too, I am glad you are lying down next to me, I love this too!'' WHAT?!! A usually would giggle and say something funny he does not share fuzzy emotions that easily. That shocked me, then here it is. He asked me if he could talk to me about something. Again floored, but I say of course, anytime. Then he very quietly asks ''Mom why did God make me like this*retarded*"... I am not kidding. Those were his words as quickly as they came out tears flowed from my face. He had never really touched on the fact on how different he was. Then he continued ''He made me fat, I just want to be skinny, I hate being me!''

I tell you these words cut like a knife to my heart. I try to gain control of myself to answer a very knowledgeable and loving answer and the words did not form too well in my mind. ''A...You are exactly the way you are to be, Your size and your personality is What God loves of you. I understand what its like to be different to not like the body you are given to not like to skin you are in, I am so sorry you feel this way my son...but look into my eyes. You are Loved just as you are''...tears flowing from both our faces now. Then he says '' Mom...I can't stop the eating I hide the food because I am always hunger. And people have called me fat. He used names of the children that say these words, he does not forget. I just want to not worry about having boobs (this one crushed me) and I want to not worry about how my pants fit. But I can't stop eating, because I am always hungry''. He continued "The other thing I can't stop using bad words, I fall down and I have to say it, I tried I really tried to not say them mom, but it comes right out of my mouth and I have to yell the D word, the B-word, mom even the F-word, I need you to give me something to help me. Not blood draws just a pill that would take it all away. This is a six year old, my six year old saying these words to me. HE has never used words like this to express his deep pain.EVER.

Being his mom I could tell that he is hurting when I hear that other kids called him fat, which make me really have a hard time because really we need to teach our children to be tolerant and loving with other people. Focusing on the shape of people bodies does no good, and to call another child ''fat'' can be so harmful.

I see the hurt in his eyes, when he can't control in anger. I know he wants to not do it, he just can't control himself. To hear him say these words oh my heart, my baby boy.
After I loved on the sweet thing and prayed with him and thanked him for using his words and sharing his hurts with me. I chatted about our plan of action with him, we were working on helping him, A magic pill may or may not take this away, but we were hoping that other things would help first. I had a pow wow meeting with dad, and brother and shared his pain. Both of them had tears in their eyes, and my oldest son said ''Permission to clobber anyone that makes fun of him?" By Clobber I am assuming you put in place respectfully first then yes! CLOBBER THEM! :) We talked about how our words can hurt even if its done in a funny way. We talked about how sometimes people feel pain and they don't really know how to share it so it comes out very angry. We talked about how we are changing things in our family to help all of us and I don't want anyone blaming the changed on A. I will clobber them!

He is a bigger kid, he is very tall and his charts numbers are way above and beyond the average six year old. We don't eat junk at my house, I am very wise on what goes into our family's pantry, no preservative junk here. So its not like we give our kids soda and Cheetos in lunch. We know he was born to be just a tad bigger by the time he came home from the hospital he was 10 pounds, and ate like a champ! There are things going on his body, we are seeking and will find an answer hopefully.

We are working hard to find out what and why he has to eat to feel full all the time. There are some blood works right now being done for some conditions they are looking into that can help us learn about his body. In the meantime we continue this diet, it has allowed my son to think clearly enough to share his true heart with me.

Anyone have tips on how to help build a child's self esteem. I get it starts at home. I am fighting guilt for not knowing how to help and build him up, but here it is in the raw. I am need some ideas.


Kristin Jag said...

Natalie. Oh, it breaks my heart to hear the words come from his mouth, but I am so happy that he was able to finally share them. You are on the right track it sounds like with the diet and I will keep your family in our prayers as you get other tests done to figure out how best to help him, with or without meds. No matter what, I will just pray that you get the best doctors and help so that you don't even have to second guess what they recommend. Yuck! I hate that he and you have to go through this, but he is the luckiest kid to have you as a mom!

Regarding self esteem, I think just keeping up the conversations will be the biggest thing and working out plans with him, as you are already doing.

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

What a brave boy, and I have no idea. I so wish I had wisdom for you....a way to stop his pain. Oh as a mommy that is what hurts the most- when we can't do it. Praying for Godly wisdom for you & your family. That God will heal you and help you as you work through this together.

Murphy Momma said...

You're doing a good job Momma. I know it's hard to watch our children suffer but I see how God is equipping you to help A through this.

I just had a conversation tonight with a child of mine who is so frustrated and embarrassed that he still wets the bed at 10 and he thinks there is something wrong with him. It's hard to know how to make them feel better at times but I trust God will give you & me wisdom in raining up our precious ones.

Kristie O'Leary said...

Oh, Natalie, I'm praying for you! I cannot imagine the pain you felt when he said those words, but I'm so thankful he was able to talk through it with you. I'm praying for strength and wisdom, girl! And praying for mommas to teach their children to be like JESUS!!!!


Chrissy said...

Oh Natalie. I am so sorry. I dealt with some similar stuff with our second child. I will tell you that the GF/CF diet REALLY DID HELP. She is not GF anymore, but I am (long story). STick with it. It's hard, it sucks, but it's worth it. I've been GF for like 4-5 years now and I don't miss it anymore. I have learned what *I* like and don't like. I have learned what brands are good and which ones are repackaged saw dust. I have some good recipes and some mixes that I like.

As for self esteem... keep up what you are doing. I tell my kids that when someone says something mean about them, "Sometimes people say mean things because they are so sad, it makes them feel better to make others feel bad too." I have versions of that based on how mean the other child's comment is.

Hang in there girl.
I can testify that it's worth it in the long run.

Three2Five said...

Please know your a good momma. Know that you are right God knew you were the best Mom for your kids and that is why he picked you. I don't have any answers on self esteem but off the top of my head here are some good christian psychologists who have written some great books. I am thinking they have touched on self esteem. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Kevin Leman and Tim Kimmel. Praying for you and the family!

"M" and "C" said...

Natalie, he is blessed to have you as his mommy. We will pray for you as you seek to provide the best that you can for him! Thanks for being so transparent....Charmaine

Amy Olsen said...

Wow Natalie. What a story. My boys and I have talked recently about bullying and how they can be a good friend. I'd love to share A's story with them (without using his name) as a lesson in compassion and understanding how words can hurt. I just wrote an email to my 6 year old's teacher after he shared with me a couple of bullying stories he's experienced with a girl picking on him. Self esteem... that is a hard one. Building him up at home as I'm sure you're doing and focusing on what a strong, smart and loving kid he really is. Thanks for sharing your story!

motherof3brothers said...

natalie, Wow what a huge amount of emotion to hit your house. I certainly know how you feel. My oldest had some body image stuff in 5-6th grade. He was purposefully dieting. His pediatrician was awesome and really explained that food is needed to help you grow. We went to a dietician and saw Dr Wagaman. he is cured from that. My middle child has always been somewhat like your A. he doesn't quite fit in,is made bigger that his lean tall brothers and like your friend "murphy Mom" he still has night wetting at 12. It is so hard and just crushes your heart! i can't really say it gets asier as they get bigger, but you get a bit wiser. Keep up the conversations. Keep finding ways to encourage him. Of course fill yourself with tons of patience.
Keep on going! Trust fully. I will be praying for you and all the moms who have constant struggles such as yours. Love you friend

Proverbs31Wife said...

Pretty much speechless here... I can't believe a 6 year old already has to deal with so much. I'm not saying run away from anything.... but do you or have you considered homeschooling? I find that it guards them from much of these difficult and hurtful situations when they are too young to do anything about it. Your son is BEAUTIFUL! God surely has a plan for him to be a Big Man for God! When you are growing you are hungry. I remember being pregnant with my twins and I was never not hungry. But of course I had more than I needed to eat as I gained 100 pounds. But, something about growing two boys inside me made me always hungry. He is a growing boy and thus hungry. If he needs confidence and wants to add muscle where he doesn't like the fat maybe someone can teach him some simple strength training basics? But really, he is sooo young... this will all work out. My brother has gynecomastia and it affected him and still does with serious self-esteem issues. So if at some point down the road he is diagnosed with that, hopefully your insurance will cover any treatments he may need to correct it very early. I am sorry you are having these issues so young. We were considering sending my 5 year olds to Kindergarten next year for one year until I catch up with my girls following their dad's deployment... but now seeing your post... I just don't know... =(

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