Thursday, April 1, 2010

not about me not about me not about me


Is it me or are there things in life that God keeps bringing to us over and over? We think we have learned the lesson and then pinch on the rear its sneaks its ugly head again. Mine is that our adoption, our life, is not about me. Fine, I get it, okay so I get it now ;).
I find myself right now in an emotionally drained state. I wanted to be in Ghana for Easter because that means it would have almost been 4 weeks that we have been in this ordeal. Our paperwork is all done, the kids are legally ours and have been since December. This last bit is just a stinking visa.
Our POW(power of attorney) went into the embassy to pick up our visa packet when they noticed three American families weeping for their visa had been detained. Before your children can go to court there is a social welfare report. The person who wrote our report had been red flagged by the Social welfare and so the welfare department had asked the embassy to not let anyone have a visa with this persons signature. Guess what..same person wrote ours. So On March 11 Anita called us with the news that our visas will probably need some verification. I can not share the other details but they just have become over bearing.

Our agency's Ghana Coordinator, Anita, has been like a detective and have made contacts and has been a support to me in HUGE ways. I have been able to call her on the weekends in the wee hours to talk about it, we have both reared our anger at the situation, and at time felt hopless, and even hopeful.Today I called her on the phone and I let loose I had to just cry. I could not take it any longer, we have not gotten our letter that would need to clear our adoption of this person. My children have moved yesterday because the Eban house had closed and they are now with an Auntie (nanny) that worked at Eban. Anita feels that they are safe and I trust her judgement. However I just want my babies to be home to be complete. I want to stop going to bed at 1 for fear that I may miss an email from the embassy and waking up at 4am to check the emails. I am tired,I am emotional and I feel done. I can't plan anything. Easter reminds me that my children should be here, going to good Friday with us, going to Sunday Church with their Easter outfits on. I have not bought anyone anything for Easter, no new outfits, no Easter eggs. Nothing. I want to fly there tomorrow my heart wants to be with my children and have them with me.

So I have a choice..do I go to Ghana and wait there. AAI's rule is that if I go and take custody of the children I have to keep them. So if for some reason we have to readopt them (a possibility) then I have to find foster care for them they can not return to Auntie's house on AAI side.

Or do I wait on God even in the midst of my weariness and eagerness to jump on the plane.

I think I know what I am suppose to do. I just don't feel I have the strength in me to fight any longer. Let me check...yep I don't!

In the back of my mind I keep hearing this ''Its not about you...its not about you...it's about me.''
"You can not get the Glory...I get to have the Glory through you.'' I yell and say does this mean to go or not, GO OR NOT. Can't He be clear what does that even mean? I just want a clear answer GO or NOT? Shesh God I can't do the parables right now.
Someone told me if you don't have an answer go to the last place of what He told you to do. Its stinking wait. WAIT. Im telling you confessing I don't want to wait. There it is again
not about me, not about me, about me, not about me.

4 comments:

"M" and "C" said...

I am praying daily for you and my heart breaks for you as you have to hold on to so little! Hang in there! Charmaine

Murphy Momma said...

"His strength is PERFECT when your strength is gone, He'll carry us when we can't carry on..." I know how much that song meant to me when we were waiting on our first adoption. My prayer is that He WILL equip you to rise beyond any attacks from the evil one and that God will be glorified both now and in the days of victory to come. HE IS IN CONTROL and HE IS WORKING ALL THINGS FOR GOOD! Let Him carry you through this valley. Love you!~

fullplatemom said...

It might take you being there to get things moving, it did for me. I KNOW nothing would have moved if I wasn't there in person. I understand the feelings of "what if" too though. What if I have to leave my kids there after I've loved them for so long? What if I have to leave my kids in the U.S. for weeks and weeks to get it done? What if, what if, what if. I wish I had the answers for you. After having just lived through it myself though, the only thing I can say is...there are no good answers. It's all just such garbage. This shouldn't be this hard. I'm praying for you.
--Becky

Proverbs31Wife said...

We had a social welfare report issue. It took an extra few days to resolve and all was good. I don't know what I would do... but knowing now that ours resolved quickly, I would go... Its a tough choice. We adopted in Sept and just brought our daughter home yesterday.... a long haul and lots of unwarranted delays. =(

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!