Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Hard broken.

Before my sister left she told me something that struck me. She said she can sense that I have become a hard soil and that when someone tries to water it that I have a hurt with there is no way to allow the spring of water to flow through because my soil was so hard. HUH!?
I realized it over the weekend what she was meaning. She was right. I had been so caught up in my hurts to be justified in the anger that I was holding onto it and even when God had asked me to lift it up, I continued to take offense or worse allow my soil to become heart to become hard.
I have shared that our adoption journey has been a full basket of emotions some awesome and warm and some not so much. I have learned things about myself that I don't like and things that I have become to know that God has fashioned me with this character for good.
Recently the not so good has come out when I have to be angry with someone and I can't so I get angry at the hurts I have in my heart. Instead of allowing God to take refuge in my soul and bestowing compassion and mercy, I have allowed my roots to become deep and have cut off the source of water.
Is it hard to come out in the open with my wrong doings? YES, but its also helps to break soil for when the waters come I will allow it to flow. Being as a small water droplets or a river.
My heart is truly for God to move in and through and before me, that may not mean that all my actions (adoption) will be okay with everyone. Things Jesus did was never OKAY with everyone.
However in the way that I handle the obstacle need to reflect Christ and when they don't I have become a hypocrite. When I hold judgement over those who have judged my actions I am guilty of the same. No matter what the situation is.
Spring is here, and over the last few days God have used the words of others and the reaching out of others to show me something in my own life that He was not okay with. OUCH. Spanking? YES! Humble! Although the enemy's goal is to kill, steal or destroy the believers in ALL Things. I have the authority inside of me to come against him, and I was allowing him free reign inside my heart. Oh and the worst part...I was justified in it (according to my own judgement of myself)
Families, or friends who find themselves in the same predicament as I am. We all seem to be here in some time or another. Your offense is not yours to carry. If you are doing something you feel that God has asked you to do and there is an offense in your heart, its God's offense not yours to carry. Its a hard one, because we are so emotional (women!) about things especially things we are passionate about (my kids, being mine.) However even in the things that we can't control of others, we can allow God to take it up so that when the water flows into the soil, there is new life.
My prayers is that in the final stages of our journey we will allow God to break the soil, to remove offenses, to fertilize and to allow the seeds to bloom. And that we finish in a way the that is Glorify to Him, and that he will remove those things that are not, even if its on the Internet for all to see ;-)
I was wrong in my actions of hardness, I know I was. I have apologized for my words, I can only be responsible for my own self.
Being above reproach doesn't always mean you don't speak up with injustice. It means that you speak with kindness and love and when you have to you do need to use firmness, but it should ALWAYS reflect the kindness of a Savior. The minute it does't you have stoped reflecting Him and eyes have turned to you instead. Forgive my Savior for making any of this about me, and Thank you that you adore me even in the midst of my hard soil.

1 comment:

Nancy said...

That is beautiful, Natalie! A well-writtren and introspective look at an issue that haunts us all. Thank you so much for putting words to it. I'll be doing some tilling myself.

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!