Monday, March 15, 2010

Emotionally drained-But He is with ME

We received news a couple of weeks ago that our visas may be detained. I can not give the details, but there is a lot and we have been through heart ache these couple of weeks. The extent of the reason just got deeper and deeper. My AAI Coordinator Anita has been a champ for me. I am just grateful that she has been on the phone with families and other agencies finding out the solution and giving other families in the country a listening ear and encouragement.

Last Monday was our appointment with the embassy and were told from the embassy they have to call Social welfare office and clarify a report. We knew this, but its been one week and no one is calling us back or emailing us at all. Tomorrow we start our phone calls to our legislators if there is not an email tonight. It has gotten very ugly, like I said I cannot share details but its enough to make you sick.

We have had smooth sailing though this adoption besides very minor setback by a few days, rescheduled court, forgot to to sign paper TWICE, it has been easy sailing for us. We were happy with the way things were going. Until this HUGE hiccup.

This week has brought me to my knees and just when I wanted to let go, its like the Lord but fire under by feet and said to me "These children are worth it, I am with you!"

I can imagine my children that are under my roof being in the same situation, I think I would fly and pull a ninja move on anyone that got in my way.

I find it amazing how God can put love in my heart with children I have not even meet. These little ones I adore with all my soul, and I am aching for them. My family does not feel complete. Its missing two special and sweet ones.

I have felt a sea of emotions I have felt scared, worried, STRESSES, sad, upset, and discouraged. I have had to ask Anita the hard question. It it possible that my babies never make it home. A familiar feeling. My son Hudson never made it home from the hospital and I had to pack his room up but away clothing I had washed and had neatly folded ready for his arrival. If you have never lost a child, its the most painful thing. It is a familiar feeling the pain in my gut. I have not eaten much and not slept much. It has taken me right back to the hospital days with Hudson where we were on pins and needles feeding of each doctors words, waiting for the miracle to only have it taken away again. Its aching me, its aching me, its aching me.

Its been really hard. We have had so many of you praying for us, calling us checking in, that means the world to us!

My husband and I talk about if we knew this would happen would we have done this? YES! I know God lead us here, I know His hand is before us, over us protecting us through all this. I know that he has seen my heart break and has seen how many tears I have shed over this. I know that this is an opportunity to see Him move boulders if he so chooses. I have had to lay my children on the alter of Abraham so to say. They are not mine.

Dearest Abba,

You are my King, I worship you and adore you. My life is yours, my heart is yours everything I am and I am not yours oh Lord. I come before you sweet Jesus and lay these precious ones before you. I remember doing this with Hudson, really not knowing if you would preform a miracle before us, hoping that you would. The miracle we were looking for did not happen but another miracle, you were in our room when we watched our baby take his last breath, you promised you would never leave us, and the miracle of that day is that you did not leave us. I know you are with us now, you lead us here and we have felt your hand over this adoption we know its YOU. I am scared but not worried that you will take your hand off.

If you choose to not allow my babies to come home, even then I will love you. Just like I did when Hudson didn't come home. I loved you more, because YOU never left me. You will never forsake us. You love those children more than I can ever imagine, so if you have a plan for them that is not us. Lord Jesus I trust you.

Because you have not lead me to believe this I come against you Satan and your lies. You will not win you have not won, Victory is my Kings and will always be. Break down walls speak your truth into darkness. Bring justice. Set the captives free. May your spirit move hearts that need to be moved. May you use us to bring Glory to your name. That when people look at us they will see the faith that you gave us, they will see two ordinary not special folks who took a step of faith a crazy step of faith and could not do anything without you, but through you Could move mountains. You oh Lord have victory this battle is yours.

Solie de Gloria!

1 comment:

Teresa said...

You will be blessed my friend. Your faith is inspiring. Your precious Ghana babes are so blessed to have you as their mama, putting up the fight for them. He will not leave you nor forsake you. You know all of us fellow adoptive moms are standing in the gaps for you, lifting up the details to our Heavenly Father. May you feel the peace that passes all understanding as the details are worked out.

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!