Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I used to be....

I used to be one of those girls that needed more. More money, more house, more friends, more from my husband, more attention. Life, even though I was a follower of Christ was just not good enough. I would have never agreed with you if you told me that to my face three and a half years ago. NEVER.

I made my husband sell our small home to purchase a Bigger one, yeah me. I practically told him that if he wanted me to be happy in the Northwest then we would have to have a larger home that fit all our ''stuff''. I know I am sick even confessing this out to the world, or the small handful that read my blog still ;)

I had so many friends, but I needed it to be about me some more. MORE. When it wasn't about me somehow I would make it about me. I thought I was fine, I thought my walk with Jesus was honkey dorey.I went to church, I was involved and I was usually the life of a party. I...ME...MORE.

Things were going to be perfect I would have three boys, a big home, a happy family.

Then our lives were changed FOREVER. Our third son in my womb was diagnosed with a rare heart defect. My perfect picture was wrecked. We had become a family that was getting something we didn't ask for a child with special needs. Then when Hudson arrived, we didn't care for normal anymore we, were going to go with it and let this be our new normal. Then three months after birth, He died. Normal was over.

I learned so much MORE about ME that I didn't want to know through his little life. I learned how superficial I really was, I learned how unhappy I really was.

God used his life to bring me to my knees in a way I could never have gone to beg him for the life of my son in turn left me begging for my own life. He kept in His still small voice saying ''If I want to gain my life I need to loose it."

In the next year he would rebuild my marriage, and show me how to die to my own self. He birthed within to follow his command to care for the orphan. Then he continued to peel me like an onion.

To where the new me was totally and utterly wrecked. He tested my heart by sharing with me ways to follow and I did them step by step and through it still I struggled with ME. What, you want us to adopt a baby girl? Shouldn't we try again with our own, and what will people say? What, you want me to go visit children with AIDS in an orphanage but I would have to write letters to ask for money and I REALLY HATE for people to think of me as needy. Say what, you want us to adopt again? People are really going to struggle with this one and think we have lost it!

The one thing I have learned about saying Yes to God is there a lot of dying to your own wants. Dying to many of the fears we as individuals struggle with. The voices of others, they way we look on the outside. Everything shallow.

I can not afford to have the nicest clothes, I can not buy the latest new coat and shoes and matching accessories. I can not go on a fancy vacation with my husband. I cannot and will not get the approval from EVERYONE that I would like.

Then I think of him laying on the cross for me, ME. Selfish, Stupid and silly me. Then it doesn't even matter one bit. I think of the children praying before bed that someone would come near to rescue them. It doesn't matter anymore. I think of the encouragement he speaks to me and suddenly the voices of negativity are silenced.

The new me I have been walking in her shoes for about 3 years now. Its so different than the old girl I once knew. When I am in a group of girls and see someone with a very expensive bag I think about how many malaria pills that could have bought some kids in Africa. When I am out and order a fancy drink I think about how many gallons of water that could have purchased. When I hear women bragging about where the got their nails done how much the new jeans cost them, I become removed from the conversation. Then I remember old Natalie, how she would have wanted to be right in the middle of it and chatting away and all in it. I am in no ways better than them, I just have this new view of life that over time I have embraced this is who I am now.

I must not sound so fun after all, its okay. I will take this girl over that shallow one a million times again.

Am I saying I should never enjoy myself again, go for a fancy pedi (when I can afford it ;) or drink a cosmo with close friends? Not in the least bit, its just through different eyes. One I am not sure will ever be back to normal. Because once you have seen you become responsible.

I don't even want you, normal, status quo, comfortable, pew sitting life . Adios and so long, you are never welcome back and I don't miss you!


Proverbs31Wife said...

Well said, Natalie. It is not the easy or comfortable road, but the better road, one with real purpose for the Lord. =)

Jen said...

Great post Natalie, I can identify with many of the things you say here. I struggle a lot between the old me and the way I feel I need to be. When I enjoy fancy drinks or a treat, I feel guilty. I am glad most of who I am now because I don't sweat the small stuff and get involved in some of the unnecessary drama that I found myself involved in before.

Amy said...

Natalie - what a beautiful post. Your honesty and vulnerability will bless and encourage others!! Soft clay in the potter's hands! That is picture I get when I read this post. How He delights in you!!!

Amy said...

Natalie - here is a blog I thought you might enjoy. http://journeyofgrief.wordpress.com/
It is written by a dear friend of ours whose teenage son was killed in a carwreck the same year that Hudson died.(about one month later) Her current post this weekend was titled 'I'm not who I used to be'. She is so precious and now seems to have a sweet following of other mothers in their journeys after a child's death. Thought you might be interested! Amy

Nancy said...

That is beautiful Natalie... and such a reminder to our SELVES to have a little less ME in the equation. THANK YOU!

"Indescribable" said...

Great post! I Love the new you - although I didn't know the old you I probably know a lot old 'you's in my life... and wanted to be one too!

I'm happy in my new me self, and actually, can breath a lot better not trying to always be that image that I thought would make me happy - trying to fit a certain picture.
and yea, a pedi is nice once in a while, but it doesn't feel as good as being able to do my own with some friends, and my daughters around to enjoy the time together!
Love that tee-shirt you're wearing!

handfull of johnsons said...


Erin McCoy said...

great post natalie! :) love your heart!

Momma said...


Brooke said...

thanks for sharing your testimony.

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!