I am not a person that hides her feelings well, I choose to not be private with most of our life because if someone can benefit from my writing and be helped by me airing my dirty laundry it is well worth the humility of people knowing.
I suffer with depression. I have always suffered with depression. I have never know the full extent to this. Have had tons of therapy sessions and they only thing I can chalk it up to is my biology and then there are plenty of pains in my young childhood that I have dealt with or still continue to deal with. Does this mean I am always depressed. NO. Depression for me comes in many waves. I can be great and super and then a change in my life can bring me right back to not great not super. If you know anyone who deals with this you know darn well its not something you snap out of. You need medication and/or therapy. You need to be able to walk through it and come out on the other side healthy and able to cope with the daily life.
A few people close to me know of my struggle not too many and perhaps some will be surprised to even know this about me. It is a fact that I have lived with for very long. I count my blessings that I do not suffer from chronic depression my depression is mild but can turn to severe if I don't keep a handle on it.
I began to deal with it in High school and I didn't recognize what it was. I thought for years that it had been a lack of faith. I am a Christan I should be able to rely on Christ for my pure joy! I went through many years feeling this way and pushing my depression down. It was not till my second born that my physician asked if I had post partum and when I began to hear what this feeling was , I explained that this feeling were always with me. I was placed on medication right away. I WAS AWESOME :)! My struggle with the question of weather or not to be on the medication was dismissed quickly due to the feeling I have while on my meds. I was able to taper off and then became pregnant with my third son who died at three months. I got right back on it. Was doing well again. Adopted our daughter, I was off still because I was doing well. Had healthy therapy sessions and then life began to change again for me we were in the middle of our last adoption when our son got worse. We brought our kids home and I was still off my meds. We changed our entire life to Georgia, and that old darkness had taken over once again.
Two weeks ago I went in to get back on my medication ...starting to see the light again!
I struggle with how much to share about my depression .Depression can overtake your entire being. The times when I do not feel depressed are times when I am living out for Jesus, when I am radically living it out, when I am on a mission trip, planning an adoption, being an advocated for orphan care. The minute I start to focus on my life again I get right back to depression. I know we can't live as missionaries full time, I know I wont be adopting again, I know advocating for orphan care can be a full time job. BUT there is a cycle when I begin to focus on ME I get depressed. I was not meant to focus on ME we were not created to live this way. This is why I think depression is so common *even though people don't openly share about it*.
Do I think I have the cure for depression, to not focus on yourself, is this the quick fix? NO. I do believe many times depression can passed down or even chronic and needs medical intervention. BUT I also believe that its a reminder that when we focus on our pain when we look inward and focus on what we are not ,what we have not, what we can not it can be so easy to become depressed.
For me my meds will allow me to remove the cloud over me so I can focus back on Christ. Its a crutch for now, and if it works then I will do it!
If you have these feelings if you suffer from depression or anxiety let me just say you are not alone. PLEASE get medical help soon and fast. Do not wait for the feeling to go away most times it wont on its own. If you get to the point where you do not want to live GET HELP FAST!! Depression is not a joke and needs to be taken seriously. If you are in the body and know of someone that struggles with it do not judge them for taking a medication, you may not understand what living like this is like.
As for me right now I am on meds and will continue with my therapy sessions *these are my favorite cause I just get to talk!* If you have delt with it and are well but are adopting, know with the change you may need to talk with a professional , don't beat yourself up about it.
Hope this helps someone today :)
ps. If you need prayer for this email me, I PROMISE I WILL LIFT YOU UP AND YOUR NOT ALONE!
An inexpensive gift idea and a fun recipe!
7 years ago