Thursday, December 3, 2009

All around bad couple of weeks!!

I know my last post I was on a everything is going awesome high and now not so much. We are seriously struggling with some things. This one will be completely open because I have found with the couple of people I have shared this heart with they have also felt just the same. I struggle with feeling lonely. I know what your thinking you think and I do have some really awesome close friends (I DO!) however I find myself longing for community. Before Africa, I was selfish I wanted to be the popular girl that everyone wanted around because I was so funny! Well I am... funny that is! I wanted a bigger house (got it), wanted and felt like people should respect me and I shared my hurts openly if you did hurt me you would know about it. YUCK, that girl right now is so far from who I am today. Today even though I am 100% different the same feelings come back wanting to be wanted, wanting to be loved wanting the community of people surrounded that I long for. So this is what my community looks like don't laugh. People that go to each others houses for dinner about once a week, laugh, take care of one another needs, have family bon fires, and there is no yucky stuff. Like competition or wondering if you and so and so are still friends because all of a sudden there is some odd distance and your left wondering what your last words were to them, beating yourself up about what it was that you could have said. I hate that!
Oh did I mention my small community also does themed dinners? Yeah, anyone want to join? :) The sad part is that everyone (us too) are so darn busy that community gets tossed aside and sometimes one way or another we all feel the distance feeling of being all alone even within a community.
#2. I am numbering my issues: MY BOYS!
They were both diagnosed with Sensory Processing disorder the beginning of the year. We have been in therapy and my youngest has gotten worse. Tantrums are longer than 10 minutes and they become very violent in rage and very uncontrolled their are a few other things but we are beginning to think there is something else. We have gone to a Nutritionist, Neurologist and now a Psychiatrist We are sticking with the psychiatrist I think we will get our help there. But in the meanwhile its like walking on egg shells and its not fun not for him and not for us. But we are choosing to just lift him up in prayer and keep up treatment.
Boy number 1 is going through some Major social things as well, I can not share on the blog I want to respect him, but its VERY hard to see him go through. We believe he has so much hurt from loosing his little brother that comes out every know and then and right now its really popping its head. It can be and is very draining at times.
3. BILLS!! Yeah so I need two root canals done guess how much I will have to pay no guess really....$1000 ouch. They were first telling me it will be 4000 and I about passed out. SO I have separated one tooth at this month and one tooth next year (January) to maximize the medical benefits. They just keep piling in seriously!

Silver Linings:
1. Found out that I am not the only one feeling the loneliness its out there!
2. My Boys are healthy they have healthy hearts and lungs that's amazing right there!
3. God has brought us some amazing supporters this month for our adoption so we are able to but it in savings for our travel!


The Redman's said...

oh my sweet friend-- how I wish we lived just a wee bit closer!!!! my heart- your heart-- we are one in the same!!! Let's talk SOON!!!! Or better yet, let's pick a day to meet downtown Seattle and enjoy the festive feel down there.... and enjoy each other!!!!!

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

Praying for your children- the boys...not so fun sometimes.
WE would love to join your community!!!!!

Erica said...

Oh friend. Praying for you and I "get" this on SO many levels. (((HUGS)))

"M" and "C" said...

I will be praying for you. I understand more than you know. Might just e-mail ya!

Hartley said...

Hi, I came upon your blog today and thought I would say hi.
My son has Sensory Processing Disorder, and I can completely relate to at least #2! The tantrums here can be awful--I am glad you know you are not alone. :) I'll be back to read your blog again!

Heckert's Highway said...

Nat, it is so very hard to be vulnerable, and I'm so proud of you for doing it.
I understand your heart, because it is mine. I think we, as women, all have a need for this on one level or another.

I just read this in Captivating..."The vast desire an capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be THE most important thing we ever learn about God-that He yearns for relationship with us."

We long for it because we are like Him. We need it, He created us to need it. There is no shame in that. It doesn't make you needy or too much. It points to our Creator.

Real, true relationships are so very hard to find and that much more special when we find them. I'm so glad that you're my friend. I love you Nat...

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!