Sunday, September 20, 2009

Adoption is not glamorous

My next prayer is that the kids we will have join our family would be full orphans. I know that sounds terrible to pray for, however the pain of having your child leave your side for America must be heart wrenching. We think about Ruby s birth mom every day and the day that we left her with her daughter she was full aware that her baby was going to be raised by us that was a big concern for me. That 1. this was her last option not her only one and that 2.she was full aware of what was going on.
Still I don't feel very noble about it no matter how beautiful adoption is and can be. The heart wrenching side is that a mother that loves her daughter and would give her all she could but cant because of money has to say good-bye to her over and over.
Frank and I have this discussion very often. I know that the agency we worked with have two counseling sessions with the families to offer other resources and support, and that the birth mom did have to show up to court twice. So I don't feel like we took a child from her mothers arms without her really thinking about this or being offered more options. I don't believe that adoption is the answer to all these orphans because there are many called orphans who still have a mom or dad but the parents could no longer care for them and had to give them up does this make them terrible? Heck no! YES we can adopt those that are full orphans but if there are ways for these kids to stay in the culture with their own moms and dads that is the better option in my view. So as much as I am an advocate for adoption I am even more an advocate for care where the children do not need to be given up for lack of a better choice.

Adoption is not glamorous, there is a breaking heart by the families that need to give up thier nephews and nieces, grandchildren or sons and daughters. There are millions of orphans the ones that have no one, for their family have died. Being adopted is a must if they will survive there are no options no foster care set up for them. They will perish unless brought to a home that can care for them or adopted.
There is also a breaking heart for the child that comes into a different culture even if its cleaner, more comfortable and flourishing. There is still a hole left.
Ruby is the most confident two year old I have ever met. She is extremely social, sweet , compassionate, loving, and kind, these are just a few. However she has yet to fully understand even though we pray for her every day that I am not her birth mother. I am her mother and I will always be but she does have two. I am not sure how this would affect her in the future and I am not threatened by the fact that she may one day need to return to her mothers land. I hope she does.
So if you are reading this today and are adopting or hoping to adopt I am not in anyways discouraging you, this is just a fact of adoption I hope that you understand and are able to let your children grieve when needed. And understand that there is also this side of it.


A. Gillispie said...

What a great post. Most people don't think (initially) about how all adoptions have come about because of a horrible circumstance in a child's life. The issue of "what makes an orphan" is such a difficult one. Most all of our children in Ghana have at least one living parent. But in the end, the child is still "orphaned." The family had no other recource except to place their child in orphanage/foster care. The children need adoptive families so that they can thrive to their fullest potential. If only there were a way to keep all of the children with their families, loved and fed.

Michael said...

I just finished writing a letter to our little lady's Ethiopian mother. My heart is broken for her! I really want her to know that she is not and will never be forgotten....she is thought of daily!! There truly is a heart-breaking side to adoption!

Teabo Chica said...

Anita I agree defining what means to be an orpan
is a hard one! There are so many families that have a parent that had passed away and the other parent can not support the kids, this breaks my heart when all that is keeping them from staying together is money, in a perfect world right!
Im sure it's possible for our Ghana kids to have a parent living, my heat is just broken for them already and I pray we will be able to help them with a broken heart.

The Tulloss Family said...

Thank you for sharing this Natalie. This is a thought I struggle with so much. Should I just use the money for the adoption to help a family stay together in Ethiopia? All I can fall back on is that I heard God say, "Yes" to adoption for us. But it is heart-breaking. I'm glad I have such a good friend in you to share with when my time comes.

Teabo Chica said...

Melissa I am with you but you are following commands and that's wonderful. I think doing homework on the agency 1. Does the agency provide resorces for familes that need help and is this a last resources if parents are still alive.
2. Does the agency also provide humanitarian aid?
3. Be involved in giving back to Ethiopia

this is just as imortant as the adoption, th is just a personal view :)! It's hard stuff that is also joyful!

Proverbs31Wife said...

I have thought about this for quite some time, as our daughter waiting in Ghana was relinquished by her parents and made a ward of the state. My father was orphaned and managed to make a way for himself in this world because he lived in the great USA. However, children unwanted or orphaned for any reason in most 3rd world countries will not have the options he had nor in many cases survival. I think what you wrote was very insightful. Another thing we have to remember as adoptive moms is that if there is another "mom" to our child somewhere in the world chances are they may have been seriously ill or eventually will die young. Remember the average lifespan of women in these countries is much different than we are used to. I'm going to follow your blog. Nice to "meet" you on the "adoptingfromGhana" group!

uniquelynat said...

what a beautiful post! thank you for putting that in words. i have 2 children. both adopted. i have thought that many times, as both of my children have birth mothers whom i think about often. i have never been able t put what i think into words. and you did so well. some of my exact feelings! and now i have to continue following your blog so i can learn what happens with your next children. i am so drawn by adoption stories. they are all so unique. but still have that common thread. good luck in your journey!!

fyi- i found your blog through "in the fullness of time". (in case you were wondering)

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!