Friday, January 16, 2009

Natalie In the Raw (long post!)

These past few weeks I have found comfort in journaling in my prayer journal and have forgotten all about blogging. Its been a sweet retreat as I have been on a mountain high from Africa until now. This is hard for me to write about although it may be therapeutic. I have two awesome fun totally wacky boys!! If you know our family you would agree. yet in the heart of this mom I always sensed something not right. There emotional state have always been not "common'' so to say. They are highly emotional on some matters and not on some things, you may say I am explaining some of your kids, however its very different. I have been in our pediatricians office many times with the concern and our doctor has just said my children are very ''spirited", hello like there mom. Although it never settled completely with me that my kids are just ''spirited''. My son who is 8 has not slept normally since he was 2. Has a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep this has been a major struggle that we have gone to all ends to help. We have done sound machines, natural medications, strict routines, behavioral therapy, I even had friends lay hands on him and pray multiple times! That's the first thing. J also is extremely sensitive to sound, material, does not do well with transition at all, has extreme anxiety and now socially has become withdrawn. Our pediatrician had us go to a Physiologist when he was 3 who diagnosed him incorrectly with OCD and wanted to give him medication. NOT an option for me. With another referral to a physiologist we took him in last week and the DR. asked if I have ever heard of Sensory Integration Disorder or Sensory Processing Disorder(SPD). I did because every time I looked up my sons symptoms it came right up. I didn't want to really look into it because I just thought physiologist and pediatricians sometimes look to hard to diagnose a child when they are just developing at there own pace.
When I came home and really looked it up and took the time to research other parents who have children with the same disorder, I was shocked it had both my boys written all over all the symptoms. What one son didn't have the other modeled to a T. I called my pediatrician and told him all I had searched and we wants me to get right into an Occupational Therapist right away to do a full evaluation but feels that this is very well what my children have.
Even though it feels so good to finally have a ''label'' for my kids I am still crushed. This disorder is marked as a special needs child. Do you know what this means for me, every child my womb has carried has had something not right. I am angry right now with God, yes, angry. That's where raw comes in from the tittle of my post! Why? Why me, why, really? My road will be marked with many therapy sessions to help my children and our family cope with things children can handle every single day.
Please don't get my writing wrong, I love my children, I love JESUS!!! But the challenge I have faced these past few weeks, because its gotten worse that fast, has been a deep digging for me. I can still be angry with God and know that he will help me through this one, know that His peace will get me through every day with my boys. Know that he can help me not stay in a pit of despair where I think I am the victim. Help me look to the cross with knees bent for an embrace every minute of my days. That they wont be labeled by people as ''special'', in that way. That there friends would still want to play with them. Help me see that this is a blessing (the diagnosis) so I can help my children function to handle themselves and others in a way that would help them not feel overwhelmed. He has obviously seen something in me worthy to raise these boys right? I am talking myself into this one?!!
This long post to say I am we are so hurting! Pray for us we as seek therapy and that our son sleeping at midnight every night for the last two weeks wont distress our days. That I can make it through this day without thinking I have done this to them, my womb my body.

11 comments:

Westwood Staff Master Calendar said...

Hang in there Girl. John 3:30

Mark and Kels said...

No time for a worthy response. I am praying. God is way bigger than any labels we, or the world, may put on our kids. He formed them and knows them through and through- and they were made in HIS IMAGE. Love you sweet friend. Praying, praying, praying for you.

The Redman's said...

Oh my dear friend. I know your heart is heavy for your precious boys, but the gifts that God poured into them far outweigh some of the challenges they face! I'm praying for you.

xoxo

Nicole said...

Praying for you and your family.

Lisa said...

i love you.

EVERYTHING about you.

Jonathan said...

Natalie, here is a fact: when I was about the age of your kids, I was diagnosed with ADD, temporarily put on drugs, and my teachers told my parents that I would NEVER survive in a public school.

It's still debatable whether I'm normal :-) but I've been pretty successful in life thanks to a big helping of grace from the Lord plus a lot of the right kind of care from my mom, the kind I am sure you are giving to your own kids.

God's got something in mind for those sons of yours, and He sure must think highly of you for giving you this challenge. I know you can handle it with His help!

matthump said...

I find it interesting that I have been reading your blog for so long and enjoying it. Now I hope I can help you deal with this diagnosis. Both my husband and I are occupational therapists and have worked with kiddos with sensory intergration disorders. With a good therapist and the provision of "sensory diets" your boys can be normal. There are many adults we all come in contact with daily whom have these issues and have learned to deal with them even before therapy was an option. Go into this knowing you want to do the best for them and take all the advice and help you can get. Praying for a great OT you can really work with.

Kerry Ann Humphrey
zipniptip@hotmail.com

Karen said...

Natalie - I think I may have met you briefly once at the Almaz picnic? My son Trevor has Sensory Integration Disorder and was first diagnosed at 3 (he is now 7 & in the first grade and doing well!) He also has anxiety disorder as a result. I have done much research over the past years so feel free to contact me (dkbushnell@verizon.net) if you would like some resources and places to start. One thing I have found as you start out is that not ALL OT's are very familiar with the latest ways to treat it so finding a knowledgable OT is step number one. Hang in there -- I'm praying for you and your family.

Heckert's Highway said...

oh my friend, you have been heavily on my heart for the past three days. i have been praying for all of you. just know that these children of yours are just perfect and will never be thought of by us as less than or that something is wrong with them. i'm so thankful for them and can't imagine our lives without them ever!!! i love their personality's and who they are!! i was also encouraged by the response before me from Kerry Ann about this being manageable. what an amazing amount of hope she gave you!! you can tackle this and i know you, YOU WILL TAKE IT OUT!!!! your children are so blessed to have you as their mama and frank for a daddy. they couldn't ask for better or more. God knew what He was doing and He sees them as perfect!! He will carry you through this as you lean on Him, and He can handle your anger and fear and questions. i'm so glad that you know this and that you draw strength from it. we love you and will support you guys through this. don't hesitate to call or ask. we love you always!!!!

Jodie Howerton said...

I can't wait to see you next week. I have a dear friend whose daughter has SPD and I'm shooting her this blog and your phone number......

Love you...

Melissa Carter said...

Hi i came across your blog through the Rigg's blog and read this post. We adopted twins through AGCI about 12 years ago and after many years of trying to figure out what was wrong i figured out they had Sensory integration problems. We did do the therapy and it helped tremendously! I just wanted to encourage you right now. It will be a hard road but the therapy will help. We only did therapy for a year but saw such significant results. I continued at home after that with things the therapist taught me. God will give you strenght to accomplish this. Melissa Carter

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!