Saturday, January 31, 2009

Broken...yes again :


I have not blogged about this big prayer of my heart. I meet a little guy in South Africa, that I have been praying to be able to bring him home. He is a precious one...I love him. The more I prayed for him the more connected I felt to him, the more I wanted him home in my family. I knew there was a big chance it could not happen, but I still hoped. I prayed. His story is very heartening, as he was found in a garbage bag laying on the side of the street his color was Grey, his umbilical cord still attached, when a police man found him and called the social worker who brought him into the amazing home where they feed him breast milk and brought him back to life! I held him for the first time and felt a connection right away, I felt compassion for this child and wanted to love him forever. I mentioned something to the director and she said ''if you are serious we can see what we can do.International has never been done through us, but, we can look into it, no guarantee and don't get your hopes up high''! Then I found out his name means HOPE in ZULU! I texted my hubby right away it was 3am so I think he was thinking something was wrong :) in my text I said "Do you mind If I bring a baby home with me?'' ''What are you for real, call me later''. I waited what seemed like days for him to wake and asked "Please I want this little one to come home with me!'' Let me give you a back ground on this with my hubby...
He so knows me so well, he wrote a letter to me to read on the plane and sealed it and made me promise I wont read it until I am on the second flight to Africa. Awesome letter, saying how proud he was of me, and the final sentence made me realize why he wanted me to wait, so I wont argue this one on a long distance phone conversation. He said "Don't bring any kids home, don't even get the idea to bring any kids home''!
However that still didn't stop me!! He did respond to''sure!'' um that's a YES in my book! :) Knowing full well that can not happen because of dumb immigration stuff! Whatever! Anyways I came back to the US with HOPE in my heart that this baby would possible join our family. Impossible, but Hello MY GOD is HUGE right!! I began to research how we can make it possible. We contacted the South African Consulate and were in contact with lawyers. We were just waiting on some minor details. Such as his HIV test. On Friday I got an email that said my baby ( yes, I call him my baby!) has HIV and not that only it has escalated to AIDS. He would need to start treatment immediately. My boy, this little one. Reading my friends email who is the director of the home, my response was to write her back, and tell her that this means I have to come get him NOW! I know I didn't even think of anything else. I began to sob as I thought of his life, and that how realistic it can be that he can die.
When I was in South Africa I was asked if I would still be interested in him if he was positive with HIV, my first thought was NO! At the end of the trip my heart melted and I had even learned so much about HIV and how possible it is for kids to survive with the right medical help. I was in awe that the kids I thought had HIV didn't and the kids that look the most healthiest had it.
I had to take a step back and really surrender this to God the one who loves this boy more than me. I had to give him all of him, what aches is I did this with Hudson (my third son who died at 3 months) I surrender his little body as he died in my arms. I can not see another child die, It aches me that this baby will have to go through this. Yet I know he will get all the medical attention he needs, this is no question, I know he will get all the love he needs from the staff at this home. I just cant stop thinking about him, about the way his face would lite up when he smiled. This is not a death sentence for this little guy. My heart is open for whatever God wants for him and for us in this.
I am so sorry that my blogging has been such a bummer lately, seriously people I am a fun gal!! I laugh tons and I love tons! I have such a wonderful family!! I will write about good stuff too, its just therapeutic to write about the grieving of my heart it seems like its a lot lately and many of it has to do with this county that holds my heart so close.

5 comments:

Michael said...

Oh Natalie you have a beautiful heart! When I think of you, I too will pray for this little guy and that God's will be done. How hard to love a child and not know if you can even bring him home. God will lead you.
Thinking of you,
Michelle
www.mfamilyblog.blogspot.com

Lisa said...

i love every. single. thing. about you.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Kari Smith said...

Hey Nat. I know your heart is aching right now and also what this little guy has meant to you in the short time you have known him. It sounds like you have a great perspective right now, just a grieving heart. Much love!

Mark and Kels said...

Oh Natalie. My heart breaks with you. I will continue to keep Themba in my prayers- and you as well my dear friend.

I WOULD GATHER CHILDREN said...

Natalie, God has broken my heart for the children with HIV. I have secrect prayers that one day I can go back to Ethiopia to bring one of His children home to give them hope here in American with the medications that will completely change their lives. I pray that God will be crystal clear for you and your family and that His doors will open up for you to do His Will. Of course, our God is Big. If He wants doors open He will literally speak it into reality.
Love you.
jen in mi

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Pray for sweet Abby Riggs!!