Rubsters (what my "A'' call her) is now five months. How is she? Wonderful, really she is an easy baby. Cries to eat, when tired, or when she wants an extra cuddle. Someone asked me last night, how is it having an adoptive baby vs. carrying a child in your womb for 9 months. I have read so many literate on who different it will be for an adoptive child, things she may experience what to do when she does, things others will ask and even ways to respond. I have not read about what I will feel for her, I thought it would be a given. Yet no, in the beginning I had to remind myself that she is mine, she is crying...hey that's your baby go get her! I know its strange and she did not grown in my womb but she did grow above it in my heart and that was my connection to her. It was a small process for me hard to explain because you would thing goodness she is so adorable and I waited for her so why not instant? I felt ashamed of that feeling and now I realize its very normal to feel this way at first. That feeling does not last long, trust me.
She is MINE, but I do know that I am sharing her with her birth mom, and I think about her every day. What she must be feeling facing yet another day without her baby, I know this feeling all to well. I know it will never be something she just stops thinking about one day, I know at night when she prays she prays for Ruby. For her life, I just know she does. I see her in Ruby they look so much alike. I talk to Ruby about her when I lay her in bed and say "Mommy loves you, daddy loves you, Jesus loves you and Mulu Mom loves you too!" I stare at the picture of her mom holding her and I study her face, her hands, her dress, and I pray for her heart. That she would know Ruby is doing well, that she would feel loved by those around her. That Ruby would grow to understand and love her.