One year ago on this day a sweet baby boy entered this world thought my womb. The day Hudson was born I knew from the moment I saw him that my life would never be the same. At the moment I was not able to grasp what that meant for us.
DH the boy and I went to Hudson's grave on Sunday morning the 27 to lay flowers at his grave. It didn't seem right, should I bring balloons? Should we have a cake? There is no hallmark card that says "on the day your son should be one but not really because he is in heaven now." I did know that I wanted some time for myself so "F" took the boys and gave me five minutes. I sat at Hudson grave and wept like a baby. I looked at the sky and told God how unfair this is, I should be cleaning up his sugar-free cake filled tray not brushing the grass clippings of MY SONS grave. As I knelt there on the cold stone, the smell of freshly cut grass filled the air, the birds singing and the sun peeking at me through the clouds. I realized how Lucky I am, my son is with the marker of Heaven and earth. The angels are giving him a party one bigger than what I can make him. And on his guest list Christ and all His glory. In that brief five minutes of solitude I knew that my breaking heart was not overlooked. I sensed an understanding from heaven a peace that God could see right into the depth of my mother heart and He hurt with me.
F and I spent the entire day with the boys. We went to the zoo, had lunch, and talked about Hudson. I hugged them more today, as I look at them there are traits on there faces that remind me of Hudson. Hudson had Js nose, A's forehead, my funny big toe . I smiled as I looked at these traits that remind me so much of Hudson.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy Hudson. There is no me without you.